Alexithymia Antithesis

Is socialism the Christian thing to do?

Right now, our leaders are looking to put together a bill that would create a universal health care system that would be run by the government so that everyone would have access to health care.  It seems this may be the first step towards a more socialistic approach.  As a result of the health care system taxes would be raised to help pay for this system.  I can see the benefits of this system for many people.  However, should we be for it?  Should Christians be for it?

God's call to his people has been to take care of the orphans, widows, the poor, the needy.  Isn't socialism a Christian call to take care of people?  Why shouldn't we pay more in taxes so that these people may be helped as God commanded?  In Acts 2, it talks of people worshipping and breaking bread together, meeting the needs of others by selling their possessions and goods, and having everything together.  Isn't this what socialism is?  Isn't this God's call?  Shouldn't we be supporting the government's move to take care of these people that God has called us to take care of?  In answering this question, I am going to give two reasons why government socialism isn't a Christian solution.

Earlier this week, I referenced an article talking about Denmark as the happiest nation and asked the question if this is what we should be seeking.  The Danes pay high taxes so everyone has health care and so that their drug problems can be dealt with.  High taxes instituted by the government are taken from their checks to support this system.  The Danes seem to agree with the taxes but they are used to having the money taken out of their checks.  Over time, they just learn how much they are going to receive each week and live their lives accordingly.  As for me, my taxes are not as high but I also choose to set aside money for retirement and for health benefits for my family.  While the latter are choices I make, I also have gotten used to my paycheck amount and I don't even think about the money to help my own family.  Because it is paid before the money hits my account, I pay more attention to the amount I received than I do the amount that was taken out. 

On the flip side, whatever money I choose to tithe or give to charities, missionaries, organizations, etc is what I gave AFTER I have received my check.  To give to these is a choice and a sacrifice.  I am choosing to give to others out of what I have left, not out of what has already been taken from me.  A vital part of God's calling to take care of others is that it is a choice and a sacrifice to do so.  For the Danes, it isn't a choice or a sacrifice.  It is something that is done and they never have to make a decision out of their own free will and hearts to help.  Charitable contributions in Denmark are very low.  They don't feel they have to because people are being taken care of and it is not a choice they often have to make to help people.  What is more sacrificial - to have something taken from you and given to others or to make a choice and a sacrifice to give what you have to help someone else?  Part of God's calling in taking care of others is for it to be a choice, to involve sacrifice, and to give of ourselves so that we might have the privilege as a body of reaching out to others.  Most Danes probably don't think twice about it and don't often choose to give out of choice.  As part of God's plan, helping others involves a choice and a sacrifice that we might impact as well as be impacted by our actions.

For many who believe in the socialist system, helping people meet their needs is the end in itself.  If meeting the physical or financial needs is all that we need to do, then we miss out on the other part of God's plan in giving to others.  When the Danes have their money taken from them in the form of taxes, a government program is set up to provide health care and programs to help people.  Their needs are met.  Take the example of someone who lost their job.  That person could go stand in line at unemployment, fill out some forms, and get some of the money they need.  On the other hand, that same person may have a financial need and have an anonymous donor place a check in their mailbox with a note saying "Felt like you needed this and I wanted to give" or have friends take up a collection that meets their need.  In these scenarios, which person has had the greater impact on their lives by their need being met - the government check or the friends meeting the need? 

And that's the other part of the equation - community.  God didn't ask us to take care of the poor and widows so that they have food, clothing, shelter (and health care), etc.  He did it so that there may be relationship in community, in love, as we reach out to one another.  A Dane may give of his taxes but may never meet a homeless person, serve a meal, come alongside, help out at a shelter, or reach out to someone struggling with drugs because all of that may have been done for him.  God's call to take care of others wasn't given to a politician, government, or political system.  It was given to his people.  Why?  Because it was going to take more than finances to meet the needs.  It was going to take love.  And that is something government can never give.  Meeting the needs of others involves more than just the money for the government to take care of people.  It involves choice, sacrifice, love, and community.  If we miss out on all that God is requiring of us, then socialism will be a second hand gospel in which we rely on someone else to do what he called us to do.

We are very individualistic here in America.  It's about me, my dream, my needs.  I am very guilty of this.  To be fair, Europe does community much better in their daily lives.  And despite our lack of socialist policies to help others, we may actually be more caring and giving than those in Denmark because we give out of choice, sacrifice, and compassion (is it really compassion if there is no sacrifice?).  However, we need to do a better job as Christians.  Where we have failed, government has stepped in and taken over.  As we move towards socialism in this country, may it stir us to be more of a community to those around us and reach out in love to meet others where they are.  I am very uncomfortable in doing this and admit this is a huge challenge to me.  But pass or fail, government meeting the needs of others will always be a failure if love, choice, sacrifice, and community are not part of it.

A husband's thoughts on being a dad

With school, work, Landon, and Gamecock football, things have been busy lately.  However, I start a 2 week vacation today so I wanted to take the time to reflect on what life is like right now.

This may come as a surprise but men and women are different.  And so is our perspective when it comes to having a baby around.  To be fair, these are just my thoughts and feelings on this as one guy and so I am not an expert on this from a man's or woman's perspective. 

This has been a big adjustment.  Not a bad one but there has been some gained and some lost in this transition to having Landon around.  And I think the biggest adjustment is for the husband (stay with me here and don't get mad!).  For women, this is a HUGE change!  And for many, it is a difficult one.  Every second of each waking moment is so focused on a new child that you may forget how things used to be.  There is NO WAY I could have the energy, patience, or effort to be a mom.  That is so beyond what I could handle.  So I am not trying to minimize the stress of having a baby or saying it is not an adjustment or difficult at all.  However, it seems like moms take one minute at a time and don't look much beyond that.  Moms may not take the time to remember how things were because they are only focused on the here and now.  I may be wrong and probably am but just saying all this as a lead in as to how I have transitioned and see things.

For me as a dad, it is different.  I don't have the same bond/connection with Landon that Kristen does.  And I don't spend nearly as much time with him as she does.  After being off for a month, life went back to a normal schedule as I went back to work.  Yet, things aren't normal.  I don't get to connect with Kristen like I used to as I was used to getting all of her attention.  Because I am not giving as much to Landon and I am back at work, I tend to notice the changes a little bit more because I am not as caught up in the here and now and just getting through each day.  I notice there is a difference and feel the effects of it.  Kristen and Landon are connecting with each other and I have to try and make those connections with each of them.  The attention I used to get I now have to fight for so I notice the impact on my marriage and family.  Back to work, missing out on connection and intimacy, looking for ways to bond with a son, and feeling like I don't have the connection they do. 

So is this a bigger adjustment for me than it is Kristen?  I am not stupid enough to say that it is.  I will say that the adjustment may be more noticeable to me.  She gives a lot to him and less to me and I notice it.  And that's probably the hardest part.  She still does so much with cooking and things around the house and taking care of him that I am amazed she is able to accomplish all that she does.  However, I miss her and sometimes I seem like I am the odd one out.

Don't take this as a downer because it isn't.  I don't regret being a dad.  I love Landon and want to spend quality time with him every day.  I am sure my spending time with him comes as a sacrifice to time I could spend with Kristen.  So being a dad is new, rewarding, and fun.  And there will be so many joys and experiences I would have never been able to experience without him and wouldn't trade for the world.  And I know that going to school right now and working means Kristen is making HUGE sacrifices on her part to take care of Landon and everything at home.  However, I miss my wife.  And that's a good thing.

I had someone tell me this week that once you have a child, you end up raising two kids - the child and the husband.  You never realize how needy your husband can be until you have someone to take his place (in terms of time and effort).  I hope we get a chance to connect some this week as we will be heading to Tahoe for a few days.

So there are my thoughts.  For moms out there, don't beat me up for this.  After all, it's not a bad thing to miss your wife when falling in love with a child at the same time.

Just another day

Same as most other days.  Sure, we did take Landon for his two month check up and to get his shots.  However, I still got up, got ready, went to work, went through my same old usual routine.  Spent some time on line looking at stuff.  Played with Landon, ate dinner late, and took Chase for a walk.  Other than the "played with Landon" part, that has pretty much been my life for the past few years.

There were a couple of different things today.  Landon going to the doctor was one of them.  I did run some errands at lunch today.  Been really into investments and retirement planning lately so did some of that today.  At Wal Mart, I had to pick up a few things today and it was really crowded.  People were in the way when I was looking for stuff.  One lady even stopped in the middle of a narrow aisle in the middle of the store so she could text, ignoring the people stuck behind her.  I just wanted to get my stuff and get out of there.  While trying to find everything I needed, I saw a few elderly people shopping.  And as soon as I saw them, my attitude changed, even if just for a moment.  My heart is always softened by and drawn to elderly people (as long as they are not 'crotchety').  There is a maturity, wisdom, and sense of innocence that I am just drawn to.

I have always thought I am a bit of an old soul.  I am 33, work in IT, know my way around technology.  Yet I am turned off by the overuse of cell phones, iPods, video games, and all the other gadgets and gizmo's.  I even have all those things but don't spend a lot of time using any of them.  I prefer life the way it used to be with the values that mattered.  I want my kids to grow up like I did growing up in the 80s.  I want them to respect their elders, play outside for fun, and make family and our time together their main source of entertainment.  I am turned off by most of the stuff I see on TV and will have no problem given up watching a lot of it as Landon gets older.  I love stories about relationships and fun adventures.  I guess it is these things that I seem to have in common with the elderly that makes me drawn to them.  They seem to fit more of my old fashioned soul.

I called a sports radio show today in Columbia, SC.  For those of you that are familiar with it, it was 107.5 The Game.  They were broadcasting live from a business owned by a couple of my friends from college.  So I called in to say hello to them and threw in a question on the upcoming football season for discussion.  Call it my attempt to reach back into my past.  I miss that part of it.  I miss the things I did, the friends I had, the things I was involved in, and the person I was.  I have been getting back in touch with people from my past lately.  And it brings me back to those places in my life when I knew them.

I took Chase for a walk and left Kristen and Landon at home tonight since Landon was a little fussy.  Today was Chase's birthday so I had to reward him and let him have some fun.  While taking Chase for a walk, I was listening to my iPod (walks and airplanes are about the only time I ever listen to it) and just thinking about my life.  The song "It's the Only One You've Got" by 3 Doors Down came on and it's one of my favorite songs.  I can never help but be moved when I listed to it.  The lyrics are awesome but it talks about the past, the scars, the mistakes, being afraid to live life, and just the encouragement to live life like it's the only one we've got.  The lyrics are so powerful and out of the many, many times I have listened to it, I am almost always moved to tears when I hear it.  It's my encouragement to live life despite my past, my fears, and living it like I know there is more to life than this.  I also heard "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2.  If you have never really listened to the last verse of this song, here they are:

"You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame.  You know I believe it..but I still haven't found, what I'm looking for."

Those two songs sum up my life really.  Broken past, fears, afraid to live my life, a faith in Jesus, yet still don't know what I am looking for.  All of this started with a trip to Wal Mart, a call in to a radio station, and a walk with the dog.

I have a family now, a wife that I love (but probably not enough) and a son that I adore. I have a job that I could do for many years but never really be content doing it.  I have regrets about the person I have lost despite how much I have grown.  My soul sometimes feels empty, wanting to live for more than just this life I have.  I want to show my son what matters and show him what real life is.  Yet I hide behind my walls of maybe and never's, not knowing how to live this life like it's the only one I've got as I still haven't found what I am looking for. 

Today, like all other days, was just another day.  And that's the problem.

Negativity, a Lighthouse, Refreshment, Message Board, and Reflections

Yeah, it's a weird title for a post.  However, each one of those is part of a bigger message that is speaking to places deep inside of me.  It started with a blog I read (one of my links on here), continued with a sermon at church, carried into my free time on a message board, and then came together as I reflected on these things and my life.  Honestly, that's how God seems to work a lot of times.  Sometimes it is a tragic event or a crisis that gets our attention and moves us in a different direction.  However, we often are touched by a series of little things that speak softly to our hearts that get us to stop, listen, and reflect.  It's not the storms but the whispers that often speak the loudest.

http://modesty.blogspot.com/search/label/life%27s%20a%20sinking%20ship.

So that blog post is where it started.  Stephen starts off talking about noticing all the negativity around him - a disagreement, a friend almost dying, cursing and filth around him, and a rainy day.  In effect, the negativity was all around him and he was beginning to respond to it.  It made him want to be different.  He wanted to be a lighthouse to the world around him so that even if the world and its negativity was dragging people down, he could help be the light to give people hope.  Negative thoughts and focusing on all that is wrong with the world can destroy but he refuses to live his life that way.

That's a great attitude to have.  Unfortunately, that's not me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not that positive, bubbly person who always has an optimistic view on life.  I like to say that I am realistic.  Truthfully, I can fall prey to negative thinking patterns and have a pessimistic view of the world.  I am not a miserable person by any means.  However, I am much more affected by my pessimistic thinking and the negativity in the world rather than being a catalyst for change by being a light.  I know part of that is personality, some of it is due to bad habits, and some of it happens as a result of not drawing closer to God.  A really good verse that speaks of what we are to be and focus on is Philippians 4:8 which says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

On Sunday, Jesse gave a sermon on Philemon.  One of the points of the message was about refreshing others as a follower of Christ.  There was more to the message than just that but that's what kind of fit with the series of small little things that were speaking to my heart. 

Besides the "realistic" perspective on life, I am also very logical in my views and arguments on life.  There is a sensitive side to me that my wife, son, and those that are close to me do see.  However, that part of me is guarded.  However, I got another message from an unexpected source that tied into these series of little things.

I am a huge Gamecock fan and spend free time talking about our sports teams and other issues on a Gamecock message board.  I am logical and factual in my arguments.  I admit I find satisfaction in winning arguments and posting facts that make others look bad and show that they are wrong.  I like having the last word.  And this week, I got beat up a little bit for my negativity.  I normally don't see myself as being that way but I was called out for my arrogance, pride, and how I come across.  People didn't like it and didn't like me.  And quite honestly, I can be quite critical and negative despite being logical, factual, and objective.  It bothered me.  First of all, it hurt my feelings a little.  I am more sensitive than people realize.  However, in light of the sermon on Sunday and the post on negativity, this bothered me because it was more evidence of how negative I can be and how I am not very refreshing to others or much of a lighthouse.   

And after I reflected on all of this, I realized that this was a message being sent to me from many different directions.  All week I have been drawn to spend more time reading the bible.  I feel like this is a message to connect more with God.  It feels like a call to change my life and to quiet it.  Get away from the TV and the noise.  And quiet myself.  I need to change.  Things need to change.  It's something I need for my soul and my spirit.  It's not something I can do to change these things but something that needs to be done within me.

I don't know the result or what is going to happen next or what I should do, if anything, to help make this change happen.  However, the message is clear.  I need change and I need to quiet myself to do that.  I've been more negative than I realize and I think all the messages over the last week have shown me that this isn't good for my soul and it's not the way I am supposed to be.

Back to work

Well, it is time for me to finally go back to work.  I now head back with mixed emotions as I am sad to leave Landon behind.  It's going to be hard to have to go without seeing him all day.  However, I am a little (and I do mean a 'little') excited to go back to work for a couple of reasons.  For one, I feel like I can get back into a routine again with my life.  And secondly, I can feel productive again and feel like I am accomplishing something.  It's not that I didn't do anything productive here (Kristen might argue with me on that one).  I don't think there is anything better than spending time and investing in your kids.  However, I need more than that.  I hope I don't miss him too much and look forward to time with him and Kristen when I get home. 

Another aspect of this is that Kristen and I haven't connected much lately with all the time spent with Landon.  And honestly, we haven't had much to connect on.  I have LOVED our few moments with other people because it gives us a chance to connect.  And I love just seeing her connect with others.  It's just a different perspective and it's good to see her beyond the feedings, late nights, and fatigue. 

I think that is another aspect I will look forward to as well in going back to work - connecting with others.  Neither one of us go out much or have talked to many people as we just spend all of our time at home.  So it will be nice to connect again, even if it is just co-workers.

As Monday approaches, I was initially dreading the thought of going back to work.  Now, there are some positives to it and my attitude about it is much better.  So let's see how the first week back is.  My first day should be interesting as my co-worker is on vacation, my boss is offsite at a meeting, I am on call, and I have a lot to catch up on.  So tomorrow will be an early start.  No more going to work late now as I want to get home as soon as possible (for those of you who know me and my love of late nights, this is going to be a tough adjustment).  Back to the grind tomorrow!

A radical, ideological 'me'

I always write these posts late at night.  It's when I seem to reflect the most about my life.  I go deep into my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and find things that just aren't there during the rest of my day.  I end up seeing things about myself and figuring out what the 'ideal me' looks like.  This encompasses all aspects of my life - relationships, marriage, work, future, father, and the person I really want to be.  I feel like I have a lot of great ideas and thoughts about how I want to live life and what I want to be.  And this radical, ideal me comes to life late at night in my thoughts.

The problem with this is that life happens.  It is so easy to get caught up in the routine of my day - getting ready in the mornings, work, coming home, eating dinner, doing the same things every night.  I live by patterns and routine schedules.  Yet, when I go to sleep at night, this is not the 'me' that I really want to be.  If I pay attention, I get reminders of this every day.  Taking a walk outside and opening my eyes to look at the trees, sky, and world around me remind me that there is much more that I want out of life than just this day-to-day life of working, eating, and sleeping.  An article I read triggers the passion and brings longings inside of me about what I really want to do and who I want to be.  A conversation with a friend or even catching up with old friends on facebook remind me of what matters as I look at the direction other people are going in their lives and the purpose with which they live.  I only wish I could list all the thoughts I have when I am quiet at night.

I want to make an effort to reach out more and care about people.  To invest in relationships in which there is some risk and vulnerability involved.  I want to find a church that is about community and real relationships in which people actually care about and know one another.  I want to share my dreams, fears, insecurities, and failures with a select few so that I am not holding back anything inside of me.  I want to explore some of my hurts and hang ups and find out what makes me tick and why I do the things I do.  I want to know what it is deep inside me that I really need and want.  I want to live my life doing the things that are my passion.  I want to discover what those passions really are and discover the full extent of who I am.  I want to live a life of faith in which I actually live out my faith.  I want real relationships with people that I can count on and give all of myself to.  I want to be able to live out these ideas and visions of who I want to be and be an example to my son and wife.  I want to have spontaneous moments in my life in which there is confidence and faith that things will be ok if I really trust God.  I want to move to a part of the world I have never lived in and find true community with people that understand me and who I am and how I want to live.  I want to be willing to take a chance to do any or all of these things.  But I can't.

A writer.   A baseball player.  An international traveler.  A missionary.  A travel guide.  A rock star.  An adventurer in life.  A real person who is honest, real, vulnerable and has lifelong, passionate friendships.  A father and husband that lead his family and have his son and wife look up to.  All these things I want to be.

That isn't me.  I am very responsible and logical about life.  I take most things seriously and am careful to analyze and plan most of my decisions, actions, and words.  I act on my feelings and emotions at times but rarely to the point where there are ever serious consequences.  Even then, my first instinct is to think first and then react.  I live by a budget and save for retirement.  I think things should go the way they are supposed to and people should act responsibly and with proper behavior.  I live in a world where things outside of my box rattle me a little.  Routines and patterns are a way of life for me and I could do the same things every day and be ok with it.  I like things to be safe and somewhat in control.  I prefer time alone rather than being around a lot of other people.  However, this is not the abundant life that Jesus promised.  Yet this is the me that I have been for years and that I will always be.  It doesn't fit the radical, ideological me.  I talk about the ideological me on here, with friends, and on boards and forums because I feel like it keeps these ideas, and me, alive.

I wrestle with these things.  And if I could just live my life with the passion and fervor I have late at night alone with my thoughts, life would be the adventure I am looking for.  Alone at night, I could save the world and live the life I always wanted.  Yet every day I battle the me that I have always been and hardly take time during the day to try and change that life.  During the day, I am too caught up in my routines and the patterns of my day.  I am too comfortable with my ways and who I am to change.  I am not sure I know how.  And as my son will be born any day now, I think about the dad I want to be and the life I want to show him.  I just have to figure out how to be the person I want to become.  I don't know and I don't have the answers.  But until that time comes, I want to keep these ideas, passions, and ideological me alive in any way I can.

It seems that I have a theme running through my life as I reflect on my experiences and thoughts over the last few years or so.  Unfulfilled yet comfortable and not knowing how to change either one.  I recognize this.  And I don't have any more ideas on how to change things than when I first talked and wrote about this months ago.  Any suggestions would be welcomed as to how to deal with the struggle between 'me' and 'ideal me'.

Facebook and a lack of sleep

In the last couple of weeks, I have gotten into the Facebook thing.  I don't know why really.  Curiosity I guess.  So I have been looking up friends from high school and college just to see who is out there.  I have actually made connections with people I haven't talked to or connected with in years.  And I have to say it's been nice to catch up with people, see what is going on in their lives, and establish a connection again.

However, the result of doing so has led to me sharing about my past.  And by my past, I mean my divorce.  Some people, most people, I have connected with on here have no clue that I was either married before or got divorced.  And as I have shared this with some people or just looked up old friends and acquaintances, I have dealt with an emotion I thought I was over - shame and guilt.  I am sure some people could care less that I went through a divorce as it doesn't bother them.  Yet there are many christian friends from my past that I was really close with or had a lot of respect for that are just now finding this out and I am not sure how they will react.  I feel inferior, like a failure, and shamed all over again.  I don't want or need anyone's acceptance for mistakes I have made.  However, to reach out and connect again with people makes me vulnerable in ways I haven't been before.  In my life here, everyone knows about my past and they know me for who I am now.  With old acquaintances, they knew me then when I was much different.  And I feel that they will either see how active as a Christian I was then and see me as a huge failure now or they will realize I have made mistakes and see how those mistakes explain a lot of questions or faults I had when they knew me then.  All of this is like having to re-live my college reunion with church in January 2007.  And I still don't even know how I feel about that and where relationships stand with some people that were there.

I've always said that I really didn't need to keep in touch with a lot of people from high school or college.  And the truth is I don't need it.  However, now that I am, I am finding some deep rooted fear and shame that may be a reason why I have avoided relationships from my past.  I had some really good friendships in college.  But time goes on, we move on with our lives, and people lose touch right?  After all, I am on the other side of the country and I don't ever see these people anymore.  However, these last few days have helped me realize there is more to it than that.  So while all of that may be true, there is also a part of me that hasn't wanted to face the shame and guilt and have to share my story, mistakes, and failures with those that once liked and respected me as a guy who had his life together.

..........

It's 2 in the morning now and I can't sleep.  And I am really tired.  Things like this have been on my mind.  After sharing my story with some friends I have reconnected with, I am waiting in anticipation/fear for some kind of reaction.  And it's that waiting that has brought all these thoughts, fears, and emotions that I didn't even realize I had.  However, that's not all that I think about.  I am reading a book that has challenged me to live with a child like faith and examine what that looks like.  Many of the references compare and contrast the lives of adults versus kids and how their lives are so different.  And so many of the stories challenge my faith but also get me thinking about being a dad.  We are a little over 2 weeks away from the due date and I am more consumed than ever with thoughts related to that.  This week, I have had 2 co-workers and a friend give bith to a total of 4 kids (the friend had 2 twin girls born 3 months premature - makes my March of Dimes walk a little more personal now).  My ex's birthday was Monday and her daughter's is today (Friday).  And I saw pictures today of a friend from college who had her first child in November.  So with birthdays and birth overload this week and only 2 weeks away from my own son being born, this makes this whole thing seem so much more real now. 

Facing new thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had.  Facing thoughts and feelings about something I don't have any clue about.  And being challenged on how I look at my life and how I live out my faith in the process.  It's no surprise I am having a hard time sleeping lately.

Things to Do

Well the first in this list would be "not freak out."  I have spent some time reading and thinking about those first few days as a dad.  There are the feedings, crying, changing diapers, exhaustion, health of baby and mom, chores, and so much more.  Just thinking and reading about it all really is overwhelming.  I don't know how parents find the strength to make it through.  And yet they do.  On top of the "turning-my-world-upside-down-and-freaking-out-about-this-new-baby" thoughts, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do and how I want to be.  From the most important parts of raising a child to the smallest, minute details.  So as I take a moment to distract myself from this impending, wonderful, overwhelming, exciting, scary, and loving event, I have a list of things I want to do as a dad (in no particular order):

• teach my son about God.  Live my life in a way that helps him see God in life
• love my wife to help model what a good, loving relationships looks like
• talk to my son.  Even at an early age, I want to share my thoughts, fears, and what happened in my day
• make an effort to help more around the house with chores
• get my spiritual life together and spend more time with God
• watch less TV as I don't want this to be a source of our family's entertainment
• plan trips for my family as I want my son to see the rest of the world
• start to live out the ideals that are so important to me.  Put faith and values into action
• spend time every day playing with and talking to my son
• pray together as a family, even at an early age
• learn to ask my kids "what can I help you with?" when they make a fuss or need attention (thanks Adam - I bet you never even knew what an impression that made on me when I heard you do that with your girls)
• teach lessons about right and wrong by sharing the reasons behind it.  Share my own mistakes
• end every day by telling my son "I love you" so that he knows it is ok to hear these words from his dad
• practice giving and seeking forgiveness, grace, mercy
• pray for my family and give each day of their lives to God
• do my best to learn/teach my son another language

This list isn't even close to being complete.  And I know this is a list that is really specific for me.  I probably need to read this every day.  I know I am going to fall short and mess up at times.  However, this is the type of parent I want to be.  And I am sure there are going to be quite a few things that I add to this. 

I can't put into words all the emotions I am feeling.  We are 3 weeks away from the due date and I am sure every father has gone through what I am going through.  I am interested in how all of this will change me.  And I will be honest and say there are things about this I am absolutely not looking forward to. 

It's late and as usual my mind is analyzing, contemplating, and thinking.  It's also when my emotions are at their peak as well.  There is a lot I want to accomplish.  There is a lot I want to be.  And there is a lot of change that will happen through all of this.  There are a lot of things I want to do and be.  The list is only beginning.

Identity

The other day, I heard someone say that in their job, they needed feedback from others to gain approval for what they wanted to do.  Even when his motives were to make a difference, he needed the validation to be able to do so.  So I began thinking about my life and how am I defined.  Is it by what I do, the approval I get, or by how I act?  Who am I?  When asked that question, people normally define themselves by what they do, families, friends, etc.  Some people may list characteristics that are part of their personality.  However, do other people define who we are or reveal who we are? 

 

When we are young, our parents help shape us with their values and how we were raised.  Our friends help define our experiences and interests.  There is no doubt that our experiences with others do help shape who we are.  They also help bring out some of our interests and personalities that are already there.  So people are an important factor in molding us as adults.  All parents would agree with this. Growing up, we can't choose our parents or families so many of our values and experiences that shape us are not things we can control. 

 

There is so much that goes into our identity that is beyond the scope of this post.  However, as we get older, who we are has already been shaped by the time we reach adulthood.  And it is at that point, our relationships reveal who we are rather than define us.  The closer we get to people, the more they reveal about us.  People in our lives become mirrors.  Many people choose how close they want to get to friends.  And the closer we get to friends, the more we see ourselves.  Some people don't want that intimacy while others choose to dig deeper and use relationships to reveal more about themselves.  Many people choose to get married and then get to see things about themselves that they never saw before.  And I have a feeling that having a child will reveal even more things about myself. 

 

I admit I don't always want close relationships because I don't want to see the ugly things about myself.  However, that's part of  the territory in marriage.  With so many divorces in our country, it makes me think.  When relationships don't work out, is it the other person they don't like or is it what is being reflected about themselves that makes them hate the relationship?  When you begin to see the ugly side that is revealed in relationships, the tension is not just in the relationship but also within us.  I have often heard and experienced the things we tend to hate the most are the things that are most like us. 

 

To some extent I can control how much of that happens to me as I choose how close I get to other people.  I also need approval for things to help validate who I am.  Yet the things I don't like about myself I avoid dealing with them or avoid the relationships that may reveal the things I don't want to see.  At this point in my life, my character and who I am isn't necessarily shaped but revealed by the people around me.  Around the middle of June, my son is going to start teaching me a lot more about who I am.  And I hope that as things are revealed, changes will happen to make me a better person. 

 

Without people in our lives (friends, family, spouses, kids), we can't become who we are, see ourselves for who we really are, or have any hope of changing and becoming better people.

Life, Relationships, Struggles, Faith

Over the last few days, I have had a number of thoughts about my life.  Some triggered by things that have happened and some that seemed to come from nowhere at all.

Relationships.  This is an area of my life where I am lacking.  And also an area, I am much worse than I really want to admit.  I've never been one to have a lot of friendships or relationships.  However, I have come to realize I need them more than I want them.  Sometimes, I don't like being around people.  And to do so stretches me out of my comfort zone.  I don't want to make the effort to invest in other people and can be rather lazy about doing so.  This is true for my family as well as friends.  I really am fine without a lot of relationships.  However, there would be more to my meaning, existence, life if I had them.  Frankly, I am just too lazy and don't care to try.  Sometimes, I find those people I really want to go deeper with yet don't reach out for fear of rejection, find something I don't like about them which lessens my desire, or just blow it off with an excuse.  And those feelings I had pass.  Ironically, a couple of my favorite shows are because I love the relationships and the characters in the show.  Seeing relationships in others and watching it from afar gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.  However, when it comes to me, I don't do it.

Then there are those aspects where I think I have it all together when it comes to knowing myself and relationships.  Yet I never had many relationships growing up.  And the first significant one I had ended in divorce.  It (I) was a failure.  Yet I was able to learn and grow through that experience.  And now I am supposed to be a new and improved me who has learned so much and who does things differently now.  Yet I am not improved.  I still make the same mistakes and have some of the same struggles I did before.  It's easy to do is to blame others that they need to grow.  However, I still see a lot of the same mistakes and struggles in me.  So how do I change?  Do I know how to change?  How much do I really care to?  The answer to all of those - I don't know.  The apathy I have towards friends and family can also extend to my most intimate relationships. 

I've said this before but I think I am not really me.  Because what I feel, act, and believe don't all agree and sometimes are in conflict with each other.  I feel like I can't be me and yet I don't want to be any different than what I am now.  Therefore, there is always this nagging discontent in my life.

Struggles.  I have struggles I don't ever talk about.  Weaknesses that are never exposed.  Some days I am able to work through them and other days they win the battle.  We all have our struggles and failures.  Some of which are available for people to see and others only which we know about.  The best way to work on these is with other people.  Yet I don't feel safe enough to be able to do that.  Or I am just too lazy and apathetic about them to do so.  A combination of both.  I don't trust others enough to let them know who I really am, good and bad.  I don't know that I want to do that.  I am guarded and that has meant holding back some of my thoughts, feelings, and struggles from family, friends, and spouse(s). 

I fear some of my struggles/weaknesses and my issues with relationships will affect me as a dad.  Maybe it will inspire me even more to work through these.  I don't know.  But in many areas of my life, I struggle. 

Faith.  All of this and more affect my faith.  My faith is real and at times I am so passionate, compassionate, and loving as I feel that fire within me.  Yet something gets lost in translation from soul to being.  Numerous times I have felt a calling to missions.  When I watched Idol Gives Back my heart was moved to want to make a difference in the world, to live for more than what I am doing.  I watched a movie this weekend, Second Chances, about a white pastor of a large, white affluent church who goes and works at an inner city black church where he struggles with what he sees and has conflicts with the black pastor he works with.  In the end, he realizes that his view of church was that of an organization for God rather than one that was about making a difference in people's lives.  And again, my heart was stirred.  After watching this movie, I realized why I struggled taking what is in my heart and living it out in my life.  I honestly don't want to.

I like being comfortable.  I like control.  I don't like things going on outside of my influence and I hate taking chances.  That probably has a lot to do with why I have a routine every day and rarely break it.  That is why I have trouble getting out of that routine in my life and how I can so easily get stuck with where I am at and not know what to do to change things.  It's why day after day can turn into year and year and I am still asking the same questions of what am I going to do with my life.  It's why 10 years later, my life doesn't look much different and I still have the same struggles and discontent that are always bubbling under the surface.  And the danger of all of that is, 10 years from now I could easily be asking these same struggles and still have those gnawing questions of 'what am I doing with my life?' still going on.  I get stuck in my routine and embrace comfortability, control, and not taking any risks.

So what does this all of this have to do with faith?  Well in looking at my heart and then taking a look at my life, all of this stuff comes back to God.  I struggle in my relationships with others because sometimes I just don't care and don't want to make the effort.  I struggle with that in the relationships I have now and it is a definite constant in my relationship with God.  Many times I am just too lazy and don't care to make the effort.  Another piece of that has to do with my struggles.  Even though God knows all, I hold back a part of myself from him because I don't fully trust him and don't want him to see everything (even though he really does).  I know God knows it all but I don't live like he knows it all.  Therefore, there is always a part of me that is still closed off to him.  And finally, there is that struggle with routine, being in control, and wanting to be comfortable.  I am moved all the time by music, experiences, moments in my life where God speaks.  It is the reason I am restless and there is always a small part of me that is discontent.  Discontent with my relationships, God, life, purpose, struggles, desires.  However, I don't want to trust God.  I don't want to take risks.  I don't want to hurt, or suffer, or go though trials.  And so life seems better to just live every day the same with my routines, staying in control (or so I think), and holding back a part of myself and not reaching out and taking risks in relationships.  Yet then again, it's not.  Or else I wouldn't be here writing all this and having those little areas of discontent in my life as these days and years go by, wondering when my life will find its meaning and I will discover the joys I am looking for in all my relationships.

And so with all of this, I continue to have those conflicts with my feelings, thoughts, actions, and longings.