Alexithymia Antithesis

Struggling with Identity

I read a really good blog tonight talking about the three lies that often define who we are.  In summary, they are possessions, other's opinions, and our jobs/title.  You can read more about this here:

http://modesty.blogspot.com/2009/01/thr33-lies.html

So instead of studying and doing all this work for school, I find myself reflecting.  As painful as this might be or as much of a turn off or disappointment this may be to others to hear me say this, I am going to be honest. 

As for possessions and job, I don't struggle much with those things defining me.  Sometimes I take pride in not having things everyone else has.  I purposefully don't want the toys, gadgets, nice house, car, etc because I never want that to be what defines me.  My job definitely doesn't define me.  I definitely want work to be fulfilling and want what I do to have purpose.  However, now it really doesn't.  Work pays the bills and when I come home, family is he priority.  When I think about who I want to be, it never or rarely involves what I do for a living although that is a part of it.  When I think of what is important and what defines me, my career is far down on the list.  As for what other people say, I can't say it doesn't matter.  Like everyone I want to be liked and accepted.  However, I am ok with being unique and different even if I am not always liked for it.  So while I am not perfect in any of these, I don't feel like I fall back on one of these three things to define me.  Yet I still struggle with my identity.

As many know, faith is important to me.  It is real.  My convictions are strong.  Yet my faith isn't always strong.  I completely believe in God, Christ, and Christianity.  I just don't do it very well.  God calls for us to give our lives to him, love him and others, and trust him.  And frankly, I just don't want to most of the time. I struggle with living the life God calls us to lead.

Maybe that's just wrong to admit or is way too personal or real or just too much information.  Maybe I am a bad person for admitting it.  In my pride, I admit I haven't needed God very often.  It's so easy to depend on myself and just let me be in control (so to speak).  In most everything I have done, I have had success - school, work, sports.  My real failure is a marriage.  In that, I really depended on God to help repair me and worked to turn things around.  On the outside, I haven't needed God.  I've done pretty well on my own.  Living in America, I think that is our curse.  This is one of the easiest places in the world to not need God. However, I like being in control of my life and the direction I take.  From the outside, I have done well.  On the inside, I have yet to succeed because I am not yet fulfilled.

I don't want to give control over to God.  I am scared to.  I don't like it when things don't go according to plan.  I don't like messes and mistakes.  I've always been that way.  Honestly, I don't like people a lot of times.  I am not very loving and kind hearted to people.  I am more private and give that to people close to me.  I don't always want to reach out and love others.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I don't like reading the bible as much any more because I have lost the joy and fulfillment that comes with it.  I've either lost the life that Jesus promised, never really tasted it, or too lazy and immature to seek it.  Yeah, all of this isn't good.  I admit it.  I don't want to give control to God, love the ideals of Christianity but struggle to even want to live them out, and am either too comfortable or too scared to live out my faith.

So I don't struggle much with the three things above.  Yet I still struggle with identity.  On the outside, I have it all together and life is good.  Life isn't bad.  It just isn't fulfilling.  I have been able to depend on myself to take care of all the other things but I have yet to find that deep personal fulfillment.  I know it can only be filled by God.  Jesus even said that those who want to find life must lose it.  I just don't know how willing I am.  Call it what you want but my identity is a struggle because I have been unwilling to find myself.  And I seem to be struggling to do it in the only way that works.

Quiet reflection...among friends

It's been a very busy last couple of weeks with end of the semester, travel, and time with family.  It's something that's common to many of us.  We are always busy and it is getting harder and harder to slow down.  The holidays make things even more hectic - time with family, traveling, shopping, parties, vacations, etc. 

After a hectic day of traveling back to California on Christmas Day, things were just as busy for us as the next day was a busy, stressful one.  We had the pleasure of hosting our friend Leah, who was visiting from Spain, and some friends for a time of food and fellowship.  It was so much fun hanging out and talking.  And the conversation was all over the place - religion, teaching, fishing, tv, movies, family, culture, Spain, politics, and many other topics that came and went over the course of a few hours.  It was the best, authentic fellowship that I have had in a long time.  All of us have different backgrounds, families, experiences, views, etc.  Yet we are bonded together in unique ways.  In our similarities and differences we challenge and learn from each other.

There was much that I shared.  And there were plenty of times that I just listened and learned.  I wanted to listen to stories from those who had already been parents.  I needed to sit and listen to those who were struggling to grow and serve God.  Honestly, I have lost that.  However, I have had the chance to reflect on some things lately.  I have realized how much watching TV effects me and how it is a big waste of time in most cases.  I see how I act when I am focused on TV and then I see how much more relaxed and full of joy when the TV is off.  I realize that being with my son or talking to my wife gives me fulfillment that I don't find when I am "relaxing."  I have had my eyes opened to how much my family watched TV growing up and how that has affected our ability to communicate with each other to this day.  And now my attitude on that has completely changed and now it completely turns me off to have the TV on when I am with my family in SC.  And now with Landon, that becomes so much more important because everything I do becomes a model for him.

While these moments of revelation have made me stop and think, Leah touched upon something that has been lacking in my life - quiet reflection.  There was a period back in 2004 when I didn't turn the TV on for 40 days.  I learned to find other things to do and part of that involved sitting still and being quiet.  I don't do that any more.  And Leah talked about how it is in these quiet moments of sitting still that are we are most able to sit, listen, and reflect on our lives.  It is often in those quiet moments when God speaks the loudest and tells us what we need to hear. 

Being quiet is so hard and awkward and not a skill that many have learned.  Even for me who is analytical and goes over everything in my head, sitting still and being quiet has been difficult to do.  In this day and age, there is always something vying for our attention.  Even when we are doing "nothing" or "reflecting" (as I am doing now) we are often listening to music or on the computer (both of which I am also doing now).  For many people, their quiet moments are right before they go to sleep where they think about their day, what happened at work, or are thinking through everything they have to do the next day.  To stop, sit still, be quiet, and empty your mind is hard.  So are people just too busy and don't know how to sit still and have a moment of quiet reflection?  I think that is part of it.  I think the other part of it is fear.  We are afraid to be alone with ourselves, see the things we don't like, and confront the deep parts within.  Maybe people don't want to change or are afraid of what they will see or hear or learn about themselves.  Maybe we are afraid to deal with those parts of us we don't like to acknowledge.

As a Christian, that is what our lives are supposed to be about.  Granted, my life has been really busy lately and that is my excuse for not taking the time to reflect.  But the part about being afraid and not wanting to see those things about myself is also true.  I don't want to listen to what God has to tell me and confront the things in my life no one likes or even knows about.  I don't want my heart to be broken for others and I don't want to deal with sin in my life.  Things are comfortable and I don't want anything rocking the boat.  I remember how open I was back in 2004 and how excited I was about that period in my life.  Sure, my life was different then but there was also more joy in my life regardless of the circumstances.

My "aha!" moment with TV and actually realizing how it effects me was a nice insight that has made me want to change.  From our conversations last night and my reflections over the last few days, I am even more convinced that I am an old soul trapped in a 30 something year old body living in a postmodern world where many of the things don't fit my tastes and style.  Being a parent now has given me a different perspective and has motivated me to be a better person for my son.  Things that were important aren't as important any more.  And Leah's words have challenged me.  And scared me. 

I wanted to write this to acknowledge this moment.  Honestly, I am very apathetic towards God now and could probably remain that way for quite a while.  There are many reasons why that is.  I know it is these little moments of reflections, insight, conversations, experiences that are God's way of speaking to me.  I honestly don't know what I will do with this.  If this were a half hour TV show, my lesson would be learned, I would be on the right track to quiet reflection and reading and praying, and the moral lesson will have been learned.  However, this is real life.  And I may become busy with work, school, family, and get back in the rut and routine of my ways.  However, there is always that driving force to live the values I believe and be the best father I can.  There is that constant feeling of unfulfillment that has lingered for so long without ever being able to get to the bottom of it or find the solution to it.  However, this "quiet reflection among friends" is on my mind and heart.