Alexithymia Antithesis

Just another day

Same as most other days.  Sure, we did take Landon for his two month check up and to get his shots.  However, I still got up, got ready, went to work, went through my same old usual routine.  Spent some time on line looking at stuff.  Played with Landon, ate dinner late, and took Chase for a walk.  Other than the "played with Landon" part, that has pretty much been my life for the past few years.

There were a couple of different things today.  Landon going to the doctor was one of them.  I did run some errands at lunch today.  Been really into investments and retirement planning lately so did some of that today.  At Wal Mart, I had to pick up a few things today and it was really crowded.  People were in the way when I was looking for stuff.  One lady even stopped in the middle of a narrow aisle in the middle of the store so she could text, ignoring the people stuck behind her.  I just wanted to get my stuff and get out of there.  While trying to find everything I needed, I saw a few elderly people shopping.  And as soon as I saw them, my attitude changed, even if just for a moment.  My heart is always softened by and drawn to elderly people (as long as they are not 'crotchety').  There is a maturity, wisdom, and sense of innocence that I am just drawn to.

I have always thought I am a bit of an old soul.  I am 33, work in IT, know my way around technology.  Yet I am turned off by the overuse of cell phones, iPods, video games, and all the other gadgets and gizmo's.  I even have all those things but don't spend a lot of time using any of them.  I prefer life the way it used to be with the values that mattered.  I want my kids to grow up like I did growing up in the 80s.  I want them to respect their elders, play outside for fun, and make family and our time together their main source of entertainment.  I am turned off by most of the stuff I see on TV and will have no problem given up watching a lot of it as Landon gets older.  I love stories about relationships and fun adventures.  I guess it is these things that I seem to have in common with the elderly that makes me drawn to them.  They seem to fit more of my old fashioned soul.

I called a sports radio show today in Columbia, SC.  For those of you that are familiar with it, it was 107.5 The Game.  They were broadcasting live from a business owned by a couple of my friends from college.  So I called in to say hello to them and threw in a question on the upcoming football season for discussion.  Call it my attempt to reach back into my past.  I miss that part of it.  I miss the things I did, the friends I had, the things I was involved in, and the person I was.  I have been getting back in touch with people from my past lately.  And it brings me back to those places in my life when I knew them.

I took Chase for a walk and left Kristen and Landon at home tonight since Landon was a little fussy.  Today was Chase's birthday so I had to reward him and let him have some fun.  While taking Chase for a walk, I was listening to my iPod (walks and airplanes are about the only time I ever listen to it) and just thinking about my life.  The song "It's the Only One You've Got" by 3 Doors Down came on and it's one of my favorite songs.  I can never help but be moved when I listed to it.  The lyrics are awesome but it talks about the past, the scars, the mistakes, being afraid to live life, and just the encouragement to live life like it's the only one we've got.  The lyrics are so powerful and out of the many, many times I have listened to it, I am almost always moved to tears when I hear it.  It's my encouragement to live life despite my past, my fears, and living it like I know there is more to life than this.  I also heard "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2.  If you have never really listened to the last verse of this song, here they are:

"You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame.  You know I believe it..but I still haven't found, what I'm looking for."

Those two songs sum up my life really.  Broken past, fears, afraid to live my life, a faith in Jesus, yet still don't know what I am looking for.  All of this started with a trip to Wal Mart, a call in to a radio station, and a walk with the dog.

I have a family now, a wife that I love (but probably not enough) and a son that I adore. I have a job that I could do for many years but never really be content doing it.  I have regrets about the person I have lost despite how much I have grown.  My soul sometimes feels empty, wanting to live for more than just this life I have.  I want to show my son what matters and show him what real life is.  Yet I hide behind my walls of maybe and never's, not knowing how to live this life like it's the only one I've got as I still haven't found what I am looking for. 

Today, like all other days, was just another day.  And that's the problem.

Negativity, a Lighthouse, Refreshment, Message Board, and Reflections

Yeah, it's a weird title for a post.  However, each one of those is part of a bigger message that is speaking to places deep inside of me.  It started with a blog I read (one of my links on here), continued with a sermon at church, carried into my free time on a message board, and then came together as I reflected on these things and my life.  Honestly, that's how God seems to work a lot of times.  Sometimes it is a tragic event or a crisis that gets our attention and moves us in a different direction.  However, we often are touched by a series of little things that speak softly to our hearts that get us to stop, listen, and reflect.  It's not the storms but the whispers that often speak the loudest.

http://modesty.blogspot.com/search/label/life%27s%20a%20sinking%20ship.

So that blog post is where it started.  Stephen starts off talking about noticing all the negativity around him - a disagreement, a friend almost dying, cursing and filth around him, and a rainy day.  In effect, the negativity was all around him and he was beginning to respond to it.  It made him want to be different.  He wanted to be a lighthouse to the world around him so that even if the world and its negativity was dragging people down, he could help be the light to give people hope.  Negative thoughts and focusing on all that is wrong with the world can destroy but he refuses to live his life that way.

That's a great attitude to have.  Unfortunately, that's not me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not that positive, bubbly person who always has an optimistic view on life.  I like to say that I am realistic.  Truthfully, I can fall prey to negative thinking patterns and have a pessimistic view of the world.  I am not a miserable person by any means.  However, I am much more affected by my pessimistic thinking and the negativity in the world rather than being a catalyst for change by being a light.  I know part of that is personality, some of it is due to bad habits, and some of it happens as a result of not drawing closer to God.  A really good verse that speaks of what we are to be and focus on is Philippians 4:8 which says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

On Sunday, Jesse gave a sermon on Philemon.  One of the points of the message was about refreshing others as a follower of Christ.  There was more to the message than just that but that's what kind of fit with the series of small little things that were speaking to my heart. 

Besides the "realistic" perspective on life, I am also very logical in my views and arguments on life.  There is a sensitive side to me that my wife, son, and those that are close to me do see.  However, that part of me is guarded.  However, I got another message from an unexpected source that tied into these series of little things.

I am a huge Gamecock fan and spend free time talking about our sports teams and other issues on a Gamecock message board.  I am logical and factual in my arguments.  I admit I find satisfaction in winning arguments and posting facts that make others look bad and show that they are wrong.  I like having the last word.  And this week, I got beat up a little bit for my negativity.  I normally don't see myself as being that way but I was called out for my arrogance, pride, and how I come across.  People didn't like it and didn't like me.  And quite honestly, I can be quite critical and negative despite being logical, factual, and objective.  It bothered me.  First of all, it hurt my feelings a little.  I am more sensitive than people realize.  However, in light of the sermon on Sunday and the post on negativity, this bothered me because it was more evidence of how negative I can be and how I am not very refreshing to others or much of a lighthouse.   

And after I reflected on all of this, I realized that this was a message being sent to me from many different directions.  All week I have been drawn to spend more time reading the bible.  I feel like this is a message to connect more with God.  It feels like a call to change my life and to quiet it.  Get away from the TV and the noise.  And quiet myself.  I need to change.  Things need to change.  It's something I need for my soul and my spirit.  It's not something I can do to change these things but something that needs to be done within me.

I don't know the result or what is going to happen next or what I should do, if anything, to help make this change happen.  However, the message is clear.  I need change and I need to quiet myself to do that.  I've been more negative than I realize and I think all the messages over the last week have shown me that this isn't good for my soul and it's not the way I am supposed to be.

Odd hours, a pattern in my life, and another (unfulfilled) goal?

It's hard to believe I am in my third week of being a father.  Along with that, I am on my third week of not working.  In some ways, I really like that.  In other ways, I feel like I have lost a little bit of purpose and direction (more on that later).

With Landon, his feedings, and just getting sleep whenever I can, I definitely have an odd schedule.  Almost every night now, I don't get to bed until somewhere between 3 and 6 am (with that said, it should be no surprise as to when I posted this entry).  For his middle of the night feedings, I sometimes help Kristen out by burping him and trying to get him back to sleep.  Sometimes he is wide awake at 3 or 4 am.  Or he has tummy problems or gas.  So I walk him around and play music to help him fall back asleep.  So when I do go to bed, it is late/early and I am tired.  Then I sleep until lunch or later.  However, it's never good sleep as he is constantly waking up and needing to be fed.  So many afternoons I end up taking a nap because I am still exhausted.  And then the cycle starts all over again.

So that is the reason for the odd hours.  And quite honestly, I enjoy late nights.  I always have.  Late at night is when I do my best thinking, writing, analyzing, and researching.  I really do feel I am often at my best late at night.  However, this schedule won't last too much longer as I have to return to work soon.  So as much as I enjoy the late night hours (not enjoying the lack of sleep as much), there is the downside to this schedule as well.

The downside of this has nothing to do with Landon, lack of sleep, or being a dad.  I really do enjoy that (except in my really frustrated moments).  After 2 weeks of being off and getting used to this schedule, I am feeling a lack of purpose or challenge in my life.  I feel like I need to do something, push myself, be challenged - something to get me moving in a purposeful direction again.  I really wanted to focus on learning a foreign language.  But I didn't want to spend the money on the software right now and am afraid I wouldn't be able to practice that much anyways.  I did come up with another goal and have even taken some steps to pursue this.  However, as I think about this, I have reflected back on my life and realized an uncomfortable truth about goals, plans, and projects I have pursued.

I am really good about having a strong passion for things and starting them.  However, the passion fades and the lack of discipline and hard work, questioning myself, and the fading desires cause me to not finish what I start.  I hate this about myself but I have to admit it is true.  I am not sure why I fall short on all these ideas I have.  Fear of failure?  Lack of direction to know if this is what I really want?  Second guessing myself as my passion for a project fades?  Facing the realities of the tasks I am trying to tackle?

I've got numerous examples.  After my freshman year of college, I worked out really hard and bulked up to the biggest I have ever been.  I worked out 6 days a week and was getting in baseball shape.  I did some baseball drills with a guy I played against in high school in preparation for walking on the baseball team.  In the fall, I returned to school and talked with the Gamecocks baseball coach, June Raines, about walking on.  He said I was welcomed to try out but I needed to get a physical.  Then I got so busy with school work as the semester went on and never took another step towards that.  Two different times in my life, I dedicated myself to memorizing the book of Philippians.  Both times, I had chapters 1 and 2 and part of chapter 3 memorized.  Then I lost interest or got busy and never finished.  A couple of different times I picked up the guitar and really made some progress.  I never kept it up, only doing a little bit here and there after such a strong start and a lot of playing.  I have started projects I was interested in at work and never followed through on them.  I have had numerous ideas, goals, pursuits in my own personal life and never got as far as I intended.  Work, school, personal, family - all ideas, goals, projects that I set out to do but never finished.  (Yet, there are times when I can be the most disciplined, hard working person there is - getting my college degree, being successful in baseball, getting projects at work done and doing a good job on them as well.)

As best as I can see it comes down to this - a lack of discipline, a lack of conviction/direction that these are things I really want to do, fear of failure.  And I think all of them apply.  I constantly want challenge and am frustrated with where I am in my life and want direction.  So I come up with an idea or goal to try to see where it takes me.  I begin to doubt whether the things I am doing are really what I want or should be doing and lose a little bit of excitement as I go along.  And then I lack the discipline and am too afraid to fail to complete the goal.  Then the cycle starts all over again.  This is really an honest, refreshing, and hard look at patterns in my life that have led me to where I am today.  To acknowledge these things is like drawing a line in the sand.  I either go forward or backwards with what I know but the line is now drawn to let me know where I stand.

So what is this goal I am pursuing now?  I am going back to school.  I am going to a community college here in Folsom to get my associates in Computer Science with my concentration in web development and publishing.  This all started with a job opening I saw.  Then it got me thinking about my personality and career.  So I took a comprehensive career assessment test.  And like every one I have ever taken, accounting is always at the top (I HATE that!).  Other top ones included insurance underwriter, tax preparer, loan officer, civil engineer, bill collector, as well as various others.  Not very exciting to be honest.  And I know the test is pretty accurate because I am graded on various different personality traits.  I did have a number of moderate interests as well.   Math, computers, and engineering all ranked in the moderate range for me.  And within that was computer software and support and database engineer.  These jobs require patient persistent thinking and problem solving, meeting the demands of others, a reasonable amount of intelligence, a comfortable work environment, and clear results that I have done my work correctly.  All of those seem to fit me pretty well.

So I have met with a counselor and all of my general ed requirements will come over from my bachelors.  So I have 12 classes I need to take to get my associates and a certificate in web publishing and development.  I am going to be honest.  This could be another one of those projects that I start but don't finish because I lose the passion or interest.  Heck, I may not even like it.  If nothing else comes of this, I may have learned a lot about myself in this process and discovered some hard truths about myself that will force me to choose to stay where I am or move in a different direction.  The line in the sand is drawn and the truth is out there.  Associates degree or not, this may have already been a good education.

Facebook and a lack of sleep

In the last couple of weeks, I have gotten into the Facebook thing.  I don't know why really.  Curiosity I guess.  So I have been looking up friends from high school and college just to see who is out there.  I have actually made connections with people I haven't talked to or connected with in years.  And I have to say it's been nice to catch up with people, see what is going on in their lives, and establish a connection again.

However, the result of doing so has led to me sharing about my past.  And by my past, I mean my divorce.  Some people, most people, I have connected with on here have no clue that I was either married before or got divorced.  And as I have shared this with some people or just looked up old friends and acquaintances, I have dealt with an emotion I thought I was over - shame and guilt.  I am sure some people could care less that I went through a divorce as it doesn't bother them.  Yet there are many christian friends from my past that I was really close with or had a lot of respect for that are just now finding this out and I am not sure how they will react.  I feel inferior, like a failure, and shamed all over again.  I don't want or need anyone's acceptance for mistakes I have made.  However, to reach out and connect again with people makes me vulnerable in ways I haven't been before.  In my life here, everyone knows about my past and they know me for who I am now.  With old acquaintances, they knew me then when I was much different.  And I feel that they will either see how active as a Christian I was then and see me as a huge failure now or they will realize I have made mistakes and see how those mistakes explain a lot of questions or faults I had when they knew me then.  All of this is like having to re-live my college reunion with church in January 2007.  And I still don't even know how I feel about that and where relationships stand with some people that were there.

I've always said that I really didn't need to keep in touch with a lot of people from high school or college.  And the truth is I don't need it.  However, now that I am, I am finding some deep rooted fear and shame that may be a reason why I have avoided relationships from my past.  I had some really good friendships in college.  But time goes on, we move on with our lives, and people lose touch right?  After all, I am on the other side of the country and I don't ever see these people anymore.  However, these last few days have helped me realize there is more to it than that.  So while all of that may be true, there is also a part of me that hasn't wanted to face the shame and guilt and have to share my story, mistakes, and failures with those that once liked and respected me as a guy who had his life together.

..........

It's 2 in the morning now and I can't sleep.  And I am really tired.  Things like this have been on my mind.  After sharing my story with some friends I have reconnected with, I am waiting in anticipation/fear for some kind of reaction.  And it's that waiting that has brought all these thoughts, fears, and emotions that I didn't even realize I had.  However, that's not all that I think about.  I am reading a book that has challenged me to live with a child like faith and examine what that looks like.  Many of the references compare and contrast the lives of adults versus kids and how their lives are so different.  And so many of the stories challenge my faith but also get me thinking about being a dad.  We are a little over 2 weeks away from the due date and I am more consumed than ever with thoughts related to that.  This week, I have had 2 co-workers and a friend give bith to a total of 4 kids (the friend had 2 twin girls born 3 months premature - makes my March of Dimes walk a little more personal now).  My ex's birthday was Monday and her daughter's is today (Friday).  And I saw pictures today of a friend from college who had her first child in November.  So with birthdays and birth overload this week and only 2 weeks away from my own son being born, this makes this whole thing seem so much more real now. 

Facing new thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had.  Facing thoughts and feelings about something I don't have any clue about.  And being challenged on how I look at my life and how I live out my faith in the process.  It's no surprise I am having a hard time sleeping lately.

Life, Relationships, Struggles, Faith

Over the last few days, I have had a number of thoughts about my life.  Some triggered by things that have happened and some that seemed to come from nowhere at all.

Relationships.  This is an area of my life where I am lacking.  And also an area, I am much worse than I really want to admit.  I've never been one to have a lot of friendships or relationships.  However, I have come to realize I need them more than I want them.  Sometimes, I don't like being around people.  And to do so stretches me out of my comfort zone.  I don't want to make the effort to invest in other people and can be rather lazy about doing so.  This is true for my family as well as friends.  I really am fine without a lot of relationships.  However, there would be more to my meaning, existence, life if I had them.  Frankly, I am just too lazy and don't care to try.  Sometimes, I find those people I really want to go deeper with yet don't reach out for fear of rejection, find something I don't like about them which lessens my desire, or just blow it off with an excuse.  And those feelings I had pass.  Ironically, a couple of my favorite shows are because I love the relationships and the characters in the show.  Seeing relationships in others and watching it from afar gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.  However, when it comes to me, I don't do it.

Then there are those aspects where I think I have it all together when it comes to knowing myself and relationships.  Yet I never had many relationships growing up.  And the first significant one I had ended in divorce.  It (I) was a failure.  Yet I was able to learn and grow through that experience.  And now I am supposed to be a new and improved me who has learned so much and who does things differently now.  Yet I am not improved.  I still make the same mistakes and have some of the same struggles I did before.  It's easy to do is to blame others that they need to grow.  However, I still see a lot of the same mistakes and struggles in me.  So how do I change?  Do I know how to change?  How much do I really care to?  The answer to all of those - I don't know.  The apathy I have towards friends and family can also extend to my most intimate relationships. 

I've said this before but I think I am not really me.  Because what I feel, act, and believe don't all agree and sometimes are in conflict with each other.  I feel like I can't be me and yet I don't want to be any different than what I am now.  Therefore, there is always this nagging discontent in my life.

Struggles.  I have struggles I don't ever talk about.  Weaknesses that are never exposed.  Some days I am able to work through them and other days they win the battle.  We all have our struggles and failures.  Some of which are available for people to see and others only which we know about.  The best way to work on these is with other people.  Yet I don't feel safe enough to be able to do that.  Or I am just too lazy and apathetic about them to do so.  A combination of both.  I don't trust others enough to let them know who I really am, good and bad.  I don't know that I want to do that.  I am guarded and that has meant holding back some of my thoughts, feelings, and struggles from family, friends, and spouse(s). 

I fear some of my struggles/weaknesses and my issues with relationships will affect me as a dad.  Maybe it will inspire me even more to work through these.  I don't know.  But in many areas of my life, I struggle. 

Faith.  All of this and more affect my faith.  My faith is real and at times I am so passionate, compassionate, and loving as I feel that fire within me.  Yet something gets lost in translation from soul to being.  Numerous times I have felt a calling to missions.  When I watched Idol Gives Back my heart was moved to want to make a difference in the world, to live for more than what I am doing.  I watched a movie this weekend, Second Chances, about a white pastor of a large, white affluent church who goes and works at an inner city black church where he struggles with what he sees and has conflicts with the black pastor he works with.  In the end, he realizes that his view of church was that of an organization for God rather than one that was about making a difference in people's lives.  And again, my heart was stirred.  After watching this movie, I realized why I struggled taking what is in my heart and living it out in my life.  I honestly don't want to.

I like being comfortable.  I like control.  I don't like things going on outside of my influence and I hate taking chances.  That probably has a lot to do with why I have a routine every day and rarely break it.  That is why I have trouble getting out of that routine in my life and how I can so easily get stuck with where I am at and not know what to do to change things.  It's why day after day can turn into year and year and I am still asking the same questions of what am I going to do with my life.  It's why 10 years later, my life doesn't look much different and I still have the same struggles and discontent that are always bubbling under the surface.  And the danger of all of that is, 10 years from now I could easily be asking these same struggles and still have those gnawing questions of 'what am I doing with my life?' still going on.  I get stuck in my routine and embrace comfortability, control, and not taking any risks.

So what does this all of this have to do with faith?  Well in looking at my heart and then taking a look at my life, all of this stuff comes back to God.  I struggle in my relationships with others because sometimes I just don't care and don't want to make the effort.  I struggle with that in the relationships I have now and it is a definite constant in my relationship with God.  Many times I am just too lazy and don't care to make the effort.  Another piece of that has to do with my struggles.  Even though God knows all, I hold back a part of myself from him because I don't fully trust him and don't want him to see everything (even though he really does).  I know God knows it all but I don't live like he knows it all.  Therefore, there is always a part of me that is still closed off to him.  And finally, there is that struggle with routine, being in control, and wanting to be comfortable.  I am moved all the time by music, experiences, moments in my life where God speaks.  It is the reason I am restless and there is always a small part of me that is discontent.  Discontent with my relationships, God, life, purpose, struggles, desires.  However, I don't want to trust God.  I don't want to take risks.  I don't want to hurt, or suffer, or go though trials.  And so life seems better to just live every day the same with my routines, staying in control (or so I think), and holding back a part of myself and not reaching out and taking risks in relationships.  Yet then again, it's not.  Or else I wouldn't be here writing all this and having those little areas of discontent in my life as these days and years go by, wondering when my life will find its meaning and I will discover the joys I am looking for in all my relationships.

And so with all of this, I continue to have those conflicts with my feelings, thoughts, actions, and longings.

Cleaning out the past

Tonight, I went through some old bills and statements that I had when I was single.  With all the stuff we have around here, I just wanted to do some cleaning up.  In looking through these bills and statements, I saw all the stuff I had done and many memories came flooding back to me. 

In thinking about these memories, I was reminded of the book I just finished reading, The Zahir.  The message of the book was learning how to love.  In order to do so, we must tell our stories about who we were in our past.  By telling these stories, we become free from the experiences that made us who we are.  By emptying ourselves of our past, we become free to live now and are open to fully giving of ourselves and loving others.  I know I wrote about memories and music a few days ago but there was a new revelation in going over those statements and bills tonight. 

I have always thought about the past and analyzed my life.  A lot of good has come of that as I have been able to work through issues and struggles I have had and overcome them.  However, the past is more than that to me.  Maybe it is just part of my personality and no one else struggles with this like I do.  I want to relive the good memories and even make the bad ones better than they seem.  Or sometimes I take the bad memories and think how I could have done things differently.  Reliving bad memories in a different way is like a secuity blanket to me when I am facing struggles or down moments in the present.  Regardless, memories and past experiences are something I have always held on to.  Good memories, bad experiences, past struggles, bad habits, attachments to people and things - all reflections of my past that I hold on to in some way.  Maybe that is why I like to travel so much because I always want to relive my experiences in other countries.  Maybe it's why I beat myself up when I see current failures because I look back and see those same failures repeated and wonder if my life had only been different if I hadn't screwed up in the past.  I have held on to so many small things that I never realized how weak it has made me.  It's kept me from being able to live my life fully, embracing life, and living with reckless joy and abandon.

Remembering the past is a good thing.  Focusing on it too much that you long for those memories and feelings again is not.  What I thought was a great asset has made me a prisoner to who I was and keeps me from living out who I am now.  I didn't realize that until tonight.  I understand The Zahir a little better now as I realized I need to be free from my past in order that I may be emptied in order to live and love.  Some of this may explain why strong feelings and passions are so important in determining my choices in life.  This may be the reason why loving others can be hard and forgiving myself and others is even harder.  I need to be free of my past memories and experiences, both the good and the bad.

I see what the next step is now.  I don't know how to take that next step.  I don't know what is around the corner.  I do believe the last days, weeks, and months have been a process of leading me to this revelation today.  And for others, this may not make any sense. 

After tearing up those bills and statements tonight, I burned them.  That's the freedom I am looking for now.  To really begin to live my life fresh, with a clean heart and mind, a new and child-like perspective, and with reckless joy and abandon within to pursue life.  I can only imagine what new joys I will discover then.  I just want to get there.