When I was in church yesterday, I was looking at the people around me while looking inside of myself. I saw people singing and putting hands in the air and watched as we stood and sang and then sat back down. Yet when I sang, I focused inward and sang with little movement or expression. It's not that I didn't feel something inside but why is it I acted the way I did? Do I want to raise my hands, sing loudly, and ignore all that is around me to express more of what is inside? Or is this who I am - singing, looking ahead and focused, and only going deep within, always expressing myself with inward passion? Am I really me?
Here are a couple of interesting moments for me. When I was home alone for an extended period of time (for example, when Kristen was in Thailand), I played my music with the speakers blasting, dancing around, and singing. I sang in funny voices and sometimes talked in weird voices because I let loose and had fun in the moment with no inhibitions. Sometimes, I sing aloud in my car and in weird voices and just let loose and have fun (although not too often as I am conscious of other cars around me watching). So are these moments the real me or is it that guy in church? Whenever I am around other people, even my wife (granted she does see more of a natural, crazy, and impulsive side), I hold back from letting loose and truly being myself. Some of it is appropriate out of respect for others. However, how much of me conforms to those around me? How much of my behavior comes from my learned behavior and habitual actions in certain situations so that I never even think (or rather, not think) of acting differently? Those repeated patterns of behavior even cause me to look down upon those who may act outside of my expected norm. After all, I know how I am supposed to act in church and have acted in a repeated pattern that just seems to fit my personality and how I have come to expect myself to act. But am I really me?
By no means am I suggesting that I should act however I want. There are places and situations where we need to respect those around us. Our behavior and actions should show respect for the rights of others and the situations we are in however we choose to express ourselves. Yet is it possible that I have conformed to an expectation of myself that I actually deny part of who I am? It was in this moment yesterday that I stepped outside to take a look at what I looked like and wondered why the outside didn't match what I was experiencing and feeling on the inside. So why is that? I can only think that I have held back a part of myself because I was too used to my proper behavior and actions in a learned and repeated environment. Granted, there is the other side of that in which that is a good thing. After all, we really don't want to impulsively express the ugly side of ourselves. Or do we? As long as we respect others and the situation we are in, maybe letting ourselves really be who we are in both the good and bad makes us more human and real in a way that people can relate to. So which is really me? The learned behavior in certain environments that have come from both my personality and past experiences? Or the impulsive me that can sing and dance and act weird while blasting loud music throughout the house?
All of this got me thinking about a movie, Big Daddy with Adam Sandler. In it, he ends up becoming a parent to this kid after a knock on the door revealed that he was a father. He asks his son what he wants to be called, lets him decide what he wants to eat, and lets him dress however he wants to dress so that he has his own identity. He doesn't make the kid conform to certain patterns or behaviors as he lets him be who he is. While not all the choices he lets this kid make should be allowed by a parent, it does make an interesting point. How much will I let my personality and experiences guide my son and who I want him to be? And how much do I let him express himself and figure out who he is? Do I want a son that becomes just like me or someone who is able to truly be himself with love, encouragement, and guidance from his dad?
However, this all starts with me. Am I really me? I don't know. I don't know how much is me just being me, how much I am holding back because of repeated patterns of behavior, and how much more there is inside that I have yet to discover or let out. And it even makes me think about how I want to be as a dad. For so much of my life, I have had it figured out. I knew who I was and how I dealt with things, what my personality was like, and what my strengths and weaknesses were. Then God started healing some stuff in my life. And I began to discover that there was so much more to me than I thought and that who I thought I was was not a true and healthy picture of who I really am. And just as I get comfortable with how much I have grown and changed and accepted these new things about who I really am, I realize that there may be even more that I have yet to discover. Am I really me? Not yet, but I hope to one day know what it really means to be me.
