Alexithymia Antithesis

Just another day

Same as most other days.  Sure, we did take Landon for his two month check up and to get his shots.  However, I still got up, got ready, went to work, went through my same old usual routine.  Spent some time on line looking at stuff.  Played with Landon, ate dinner late, and took Chase for a walk.  Other than the "played with Landon" part, that has pretty much been my life for the past few years.

There were a couple of different things today.  Landon going to the doctor was one of them.  I did run some errands at lunch today.  Been really into investments and retirement planning lately so did some of that today.  At Wal Mart, I had to pick up a few things today and it was really crowded.  People were in the way when I was looking for stuff.  One lady even stopped in the middle of a narrow aisle in the middle of the store so she could text, ignoring the people stuck behind her.  I just wanted to get my stuff and get out of there.  While trying to find everything I needed, I saw a few elderly people shopping.  And as soon as I saw them, my attitude changed, even if just for a moment.  My heart is always softened by and drawn to elderly people (as long as they are not 'crotchety').  There is a maturity, wisdom, and sense of innocence that I am just drawn to.

I have always thought I am a bit of an old soul.  I am 33, work in IT, know my way around technology.  Yet I am turned off by the overuse of cell phones, iPods, video games, and all the other gadgets and gizmo's.  I even have all those things but don't spend a lot of time using any of them.  I prefer life the way it used to be with the values that mattered.  I want my kids to grow up like I did growing up in the 80s.  I want them to respect their elders, play outside for fun, and make family and our time together their main source of entertainment.  I am turned off by most of the stuff I see on TV and will have no problem given up watching a lot of it as Landon gets older.  I love stories about relationships and fun adventures.  I guess it is these things that I seem to have in common with the elderly that makes me drawn to them.  They seem to fit more of my old fashioned soul.

I called a sports radio show today in Columbia, SC.  For those of you that are familiar with it, it was 107.5 The Game.  They were broadcasting live from a business owned by a couple of my friends from college.  So I called in to say hello to them and threw in a question on the upcoming football season for discussion.  Call it my attempt to reach back into my past.  I miss that part of it.  I miss the things I did, the friends I had, the things I was involved in, and the person I was.  I have been getting back in touch with people from my past lately.  And it brings me back to those places in my life when I knew them.

I took Chase for a walk and left Kristen and Landon at home tonight since Landon was a little fussy.  Today was Chase's birthday so I had to reward him and let him have some fun.  While taking Chase for a walk, I was listening to my iPod (walks and airplanes are about the only time I ever listen to it) and just thinking about my life.  The song "It's the Only One You've Got" by 3 Doors Down came on and it's one of my favorite songs.  I can never help but be moved when I listed to it.  The lyrics are awesome but it talks about the past, the scars, the mistakes, being afraid to live life, and just the encouragement to live life like it's the only one we've got.  The lyrics are so powerful and out of the many, many times I have listened to it, I am almost always moved to tears when I hear it.  It's my encouragement to live life despite my past, my fears, and living it like I know there is more to life than this.  I also heard "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2.  If you have never really listened to the last verse of this song, here they are:

"You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame.  You know I believe it..but I still haven't found, what I'm looking for."

Those two songs sum up my life really.  Broken past, fears, afraid to live my life, a faith in Jesus, yet still don't know what I am looking for.  All of this started with a trip to Wal Mart, a call in to a radio station, and a walk with the dog.

I have a family now, a wife that I love (but probably not enough) and a son that I adore. I have a job that I could do for many years but never really be content doing it.  I have regrets about the person I have lost despite how much I have grown.  My soul sometimes feels empty, wanting to live for more than just this life I have.  I want to show my son what matters and show him what real life is.  Yet I hide behind my walls of maybe and never's, not knowing how to live this life like it's the only one I've got as I still haven't found what I am looking for. 

Today, like all other days, was just another day.  And that's the problem.

A song that moved me

I don't talk about music much.  I love music but each of us has our own tastes.  However, I heard a song by 3 Doors Down that brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard it.  Granted, it's just a song that you hear on the radio but I think this one could have an impact.  It did for me as the chorus just reminded me of God's love.  And something about it just moved me.  The whole song is great and may apply to a lot of people.  However, here is the chorus that really got me:

You hide behind your walls of 'maybe nevers'
Forgetting that theres something more,
Than just knowing better.
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not.
You've got to live this life your given,
like its the only you've got.

And it sounds even better with music.  I have had some emotional moments and think there will be quite a few more over the next week or so.  I will save my thoughts, emotions, struggles that were touched upon by this song.  But there is much more to come about all of that.

If you want to check out the song, here is the link to it.  You can also find it on youtube.  This plays the entire song.  See what you think.  Just click on the video to play the whole song.

http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/artist/3+Doors+Down/track/It%27s+The+Only+One+You%27ve+Got

 

I learned something about my son today

Apparently, he is like his dad and likes a little rock music.  As Kristen was in bed tonight, we watched "Junior" (as we like to call him now and no, he will not be a junior) move around.  I just watched to see if I could see him move.  After a few minutes, it was much harder for me to know when he was moving around even though Kristen felt him.  So we decided to pull out the iPod and play some music to see how he reacted.  Well he was jumping like crazy when Def Leppard and Foo Fighters were playing so I guess he loves the guitar.  He was kicking, punching, and moving all around with music.  I then played a slower song and he moved a little there but not as much.  My take is that he had mellowed a little bit and was swaying to the music with his bic lighter held up above his head.  So now we are going to try a little Tchaikovsky to give him a little culture. 

Regardless of his music tastes, it was fun to see and feel him moving for the first time.  I even talked to him a little so he could become more familiar with us.  In our last conversation before he began rocking out, I asked him to help us out when he was born and learn to be like his dad and love to sleep.  He seems to be a late night kinda guy and that's ok.  So is his dad.  I will be happy to stay up late with him as he gets older.  However, here is hoping that he enjoys the music and sleeps well.

Memories and Music

All of us have our favorite artists and songs that we love to listen to.  Many are just because we like the words or the music itself, its catchy, it spoke to us at a certain point in our lives, or is meaningful in other ways.  Music speaks to us in many ways for so many different reasons.  In the day and age of iPods, we can now listen to music only we like.  And with each song that plays, there is some memory or meaning behind each one.

As it always happens when listening to my favorite music, a song came on tonight that was popular and was from my favorite CD back in the summer of 2004.  I hear these songs all the time but hearing it tonight just made me reflect back a little bit.  In the summer of 2004, the song Twenty-four by Switchfoot was off the CD of the summer for me.  At that time, Kristen and I were getting to know each other and hanging out and I remember listening to that CD all summer.  There are many memories from songs off of there (Dare You to Move, Meant to Live, Twenty-Four, This is Your Life, On Fire) - playing softball with our singles group from church (where Kristen and I really got to know each other talking after games and practice), July 4th weekend where we hung out for the first time, riding with her on the way to Tahoe as a group of us stayed at her aunt and uncle's cabin in Tahoe.  That was the best summer of my life.  It wasn't just her either.  Church, great friends, and just all that we had going on was so much fun.  It was a great group of people that had so much fun hanging out.  Close friendships I had with other guys.  Parties, get togethers, outings, bible study, our men's bible study, a huge time of growth and healing in my life.  It was one of the best times in my life and all of those memories came flooding back tonight as I took the time to let my mind wander down memory lane when I heard the song tonight.

I really miss those moments in my life.  Memories are so awesome and it's great that we have something like music to bring us back to those feelings, emotions, and moments where we can live them all over again.  I think it is because of a fondness for the past that I tend to look back on things as better than they really were.  Not in the case of the summer of 2004 because it really was great.  However, trips, travel experiences, friendships, relationships, etc. always seem better than they were in my memories of them. 

I reflect on this tonight just to think about how much life has changed in the last 3 years.  Church isn't the same anymore.  Our singles group no longer exists.  Most of our friends have moved on and we don't see them any more.  We are now two plus years into our marriage and are now expecting a child.  I don't want to say that I have grown up because I haven't felt like a kid in a long time.  But now life is more serious and things are so much more 'adult' now.  I don't know a better way of putting that.  However, I miss those days when things were more carefree and fun.  I don't regret my life now or anything but I do miss those fun times and wish some things were different in my life.  Have I changed, have circumstances changed, am I just growing up and moving on now, or is it possible to still go back and live free and fun and make memories like that again?  I don't know the answer to this.  Maybe this means I have gotten too serious and need to remember those things to keep me alive and remind me to still have fun.  It's just something to ponder.

A little bit of music

Not even sure if this will work on here but if you have iTunes then here is a link to a mix that I created.  The only songs not on here are from Anberlin's new CD Cities.  There is a mix of songs that I made into two CDs.  Now I am just listening to some of my favorites in the car.  Groups include Anberlin, a-ha, Cinderella, Switchfoot, U2, Erasure, Newsboys, Pink, Foo Fighters, and others.  I think this link only works with iTunes if it even works at all.  I haven't posted in a while and even though there is a lot I am always processing through I wanted to share my music.  I am sorry if it is too 80s and not current enough for you!

Who Knew 3:28 P!nk I'm Not Dead
Worlds Apart 5:18 Jars of Clay Jars of Clay
The Orphan 4:05 Newsboys Devotion
A Day Late 3:27 Anberlin Never Take Friendship Personal
Best of You 4:15 Foo Fighters In Your Honor
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For 4:40 U2 The Best of 1980-1990
You Make My Dreams (Remastered) 3:10 Daryl Hall & John Oates The Essential Daryl Hall and John Oates
Heartbreak Station 4:28 Cinderella Once upon a...
Where the Streets Have No Name 4:36 U2 The Best of 1980-1990
Shake You Down 4:04 Gregory Abbott Gregory Abbott: Super Hits
The Flame 5:37 Cheap Trick Lap of Luxury
With or Without You 4:59 U2 The Best of 1980-1990
All This Time Still Falling Out of Love 4:16 Erasure Nightbird
How to Save a Life 4:22 The Fray How to Save a Life
The Impression That I Get 3:13 The Mighty Mighty Bosstones 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Dare You to Move 4:08 Switchfoot The Beautiful Letdown
Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone) [New Recording] 5:09 Cinderella VH1 Classic: Metal Mania - Stripped
Take On Me 3:48 a-ha '80s Gold
Nobody's Fool 4:47 Cinderella Once upon a...
Nineteen Stars 3:26 Meg & Dia Something Real
Take My Hands (Praises) 4:22 Newsboys Adoration: The Worship Album
A Little Respect (Jades Alliance 'Electrospect' Remix) 6:31 Erasure Future Retro
Not Enough 5:12 Van Halen Balance

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=252599903

Anberlin Concert - 3/15 in SF

As some of you know, Anberlin is my fave group.  On March 15, made the drive to see them play at Slim's in San Francisco.  The concert was a lot of fun so I thought I would post a video of my experience there.  This isn't my video but trust me, I was there.  I have the ticket, t-shirt, and a friend's word as proof.  :)

This is one of my fave songs "The Unwinding Cable Car."  A little distorted at times but the vocals are powerful (turn the volume down a little if needed - it is a bit loud).  Here are the words to the song.  A powerful song which seems to be calling out to God for him to work in us as we worship him during those times we are struggling.  But you make your own call as to what this song really means.

Emotive unstable.
You're like an unwinding cable car.
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are.
Go your own way.
Even seasons have changed.
Just burn those new leaves over.
So self-absorbed, you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about.

This is the correlation of salvation and love.
Don't drop your arms.
I'll guard your heart.
With quiet words I'll lead you in.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Backing away from the problem of pain.
You've been hiding in shadows.
For so very long.
Don't you believe that you've been deceived?
That you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of.

This is the correlation of salvation and love.
Don't drop your arms.
I'll guard your heart.
With quiet words I'll lead you in.

You're so brilliant.
(This is the correlation of salavation and love.
Don't drop your arms.
I'll guard your heart.
With quiet words, I'll lead you in and out of the dark.)
Don't soon forget.
You're so brilliant.
Grace marked your heart.

(Repeat x4)

This is the correlation of salvation and love.
Don't drop your arms.
I'll guard your heart.
With quiet words I'll lead you in.