Alexithymia Antithesis

Negativity, a Lighthouse, Refreshment, Message Board, and Reflections

Yeah, it's a weird title for a post.  However, each one of those is part of a bigger message that is speaking to places deep inside of me.  It started with a blog I read (one of my links on here), continued with a sermon at church, carried into my free time on a message board, and then came together as I reflected on these things and my life.  Honestly, that's how God seems to work a lot of times.  Sometimes it is a tragic event or a crisis that gets our attention and moves us in a different direction.  However, we often are touched by a series of little things that speak softly to our hearts that get us to stop, listen, and reflect.  It's not the storms but the whispers that often speak the loudest.

http://modesty.blogspot.com/search/label/life%27s%20a%20sinking%20ship.

So that blog post is where it started.  Stephen starts off talking about noticing all the negativity around him - a disagreement, a friend almost dying, cursing and filth around him, and a rainy day.  In effect, the negativity was all around him and he was beginning to respond to it.  It made him want to be different.  He wanted to be a lighthouse to the world around him so that even if the world and its negativity was dragging people down, he could help be the light to give people hope.  Negative thoughts and focusing on all that is wrong with the world can destroy but he refuses to live his life that way.

That's a great attitude to have.  Unfortunately, that's not me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not that positive, bubbly person who always has an optimistic view on life.  I like to say that I am realistic.  Truthfully, I can fall prey to negative thinking patterns and have a pessimistic view of the world.  I am not a miserable person by any means.  However, I am much more affected by my pessimistic thinking and the negativity in the world rather than being a catalyst for change by being a light.  I know part of that is personality, some of it is due to bad habits, and some of it happens as a result of not drawing closer to God.  A really good verse that speaks of what we are to be and focus on is Philippians 4:8 which says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

On Sunday, Jesse gave a sermon on Philemon.  One of the points of the message was about refreshing others as a follower of Christ.  There was more to the message than just that but that's what kind of fit with the series of small little things that were speaking to my heart. 

Besides the "realistic" perspective on life, I am also very logical in my views and arguments on life.  There is a sensitive side to me that my wife, son, and those that are close to me do see.  However, that part of me is guarded.  However, I got another message from an unexpected source that tied into these series of little things.

I am a huge Gamecock fan and spend free time talking about our sports teams and other issues on a Gamecock message board.  I am logical and factual in my arguments.  I admit I find satisfaction in winning arguments and posting facts that make others look bad and show that they are wrong.  I like having the last word.  And this week, I got beat up a little bit for my negativity.  I normally don't see myself as being that way but I was called out for my arrogance, pride, and how I come across.  People didn't like it and didn't like me.  And quite honestly, I can be quite critical and negative despite being logical, factual, and objective.  It bothered me.  First of all, it hurt my feelings a little.  I am more sensitive than people realize.  However, in light of the sermon on Sunday and the post on negativity, this bothered me because it was more evidence of how negative I can be and how I am not very refreshing to others or much of a lighthouse.   

And after I reflected on all of this, I realized that this was a message being sent to me from many different directions.  All week I have been drawn to spend more time reading the bible.  I feel like this is a message to connect more with God.  It feels like a call to change my life and to quiet it.  Get away from the TV and the noise.  And quiet myself.  I need to change.  Things need to change.  It's something I need for my soul and my spirit.  It's not something I can do to change these things but something that needs to be done within me.

I don't know the result or what is going to happen next or what I should do, if anything, to help make this change happen.  However, the message is clear.  I need change and I need to quiet myself to do that.  I've been more negative than I realize and I think all the messages over the last week have shown me that this isn't good for my soul and it's not the way I am supposed to be.

Odd hours, a pattern in my life, and another (unfulfilled) goal?

It's hard to believe I am in my third week of being a father.  Along with that, I am on my third week of not working.  In some ways, I really like that.  In other ways, I feel like I have lost a little bit of purpose and direction (more on that later).

With Landon, his feedings, and just getting sleep whenever I can, I definitely have an odd schedule.  Almost every night now, I don't get to bed until somewhere between 3 and 6 am (with that said, it should be no surprise as to when I posted this entry).  For his middle of the night feedings, I sometimes help Kristen out by burping him and trying to get him back to sleep.  Sometimes he is wide awake at 3 or 4 am.  Or he has tummy problems or gas.  So I walk him around and play music to help him fall back asleep.  So when I do go to bed, it is late/early and I am tired.  Then I sleep until lunch or later.  However, it's never good sleep as he is constantly waking up and needing to be fed.  So many afternoons I end up taking a nap because I am still exhausted.  And then the cycle starts all over again.

So that is the reason for the odd hours.  And quite honestly, I enjoy late nights.  I always have.  Late at night is when I do my best thinking, writing, analyzing, and researching.  I really do feel I am often at my best late at night.  However, this schedule won't last too much longer as I have to return to work soon.  So as much as I enjoy the late night hours (not enjoying the lack of sleep as much), there is the downside to this schedule as well.

The downside of this has nothing to do with Landon, lack of sleep, or being a dad.  I really do enjoy that (except in my really frustrated moments).  After 2 weeks of being off and getting used to this schedule, I am feeling a lack of purpose or challenge in my life.  I feel like I need to do something, push myself, be challenged - something to get me moving in a purposeful direction again.  I really wanted to focus on learning a foreign language.  But I didn't want to spend the money on the software right now and am afraid I wouldn't be able to practice that much anyways.  I did come up with another goal and have even taken some steps to pursue this.  However, as I think about this, I have reflected back on my life and realized an uncomfortable truth about goals, plans, and projects I have pursued.

I am really good about having a strong passion for things and starting them.  However, the passion fades and the lack of discipline and hard work, questioning myself, and the fading desires cause me to not finish what I start.  I hate this about myself but I have to admit it is true.  I am not sure why I fall short on all these ideas I have.  Fear of failure?  Lack of direction to know if this is what I really want?  Second guessing myself as my passion for a project fades?  Facing the realities of the tasks I am trying to tackle?

I've got numerous examples.  After my freshman year of college, I worked out really hard and bulked up to the biggest I have ever been.  I worked out 6 days a week and was getting in baseball shape.  I did some baseball drills with a guy I played against in high school in preparation for walking on the baseball team.  In the fall, I returned to school and talked with the Gamecocks baseball coach, June Raines, about walking on.  He said I was welcomed to try out but I needed to get a physical.  Then I got so busy with school work as the semester went on and never took another step towards that.  Two different times in my life, I dedicated myself to memorizing the book of Philippians.  Both times, I had chapters 1 and 2 and part of chapter 3 memorized.  Then I lost interest or got busy and never finished.  A couple of different times I picked up the guitar and really made some progress.  I never kept it up, only doing a little bit here and there after such a strong start and a lot of playing.  I have started projects I was interested in at work and never followed through on them.  I have had numerous ideas, goals, pursuits in my own personal life and never got as far as I intended.  Work, school, personal, family - all ideas, goals, projects that I set out to do but never finished.  (Yet, there are times when I can be the most disciplined, hard working person there is - getting my college degree, being successful in baseball, getting projects at work done and doing a good job on them as well.)

As best as I can see it comes down to this - a lack of discipline, a lack of conviction/direction that these are things I really want to do, fear of failure.  And I think all of them apply.  I constantly want challenge and am frustrated with where I am in my life and want direction.  So I come up with an idea or goal to try to see where it takes me.  I begin to doubt whether the things I am doing are really what I want or should be doing and lose a little bit of excitement as I go along.  And then I lack the discipline and am too afraid to fail to complete the goal.  Then the cycle starts all over again.  This is really an honest, refreshing, and hard look at patterns in my life that have led me to where I am today.  To acknowledge these things is like drawing a line in the sand.  I either go forward or backwards with what I know but the line is now drawn to let me know where I stand.

So what is this goal I am pursuing now?  I am going back to school.  I am going to a community college here in Folsom to get my associates in Computer Science with my concentration in web development and publishing.  This all started with a job opening I saw.  Then it got me thinking about my personality and career.  So I took a comprehensive career assessment test.  And like every one I have ever taken, accounting is always at the top (I HATE that!).  Other top ones included insurance underwriter, tax preparer, loan officer, civil engineer, bill collector, as well as various others.  Not very exciting to be honest.  And I know the test is pretty accurate because I am graded on various different personality traits.  I did have a number of moderate interests as well.   Math, computers, and engineering all ranked in the moderate range for me.  And within that was computer software and support and database engineer.  These jobs require patient persistent thinking and problem solving, meeting the demands of others, a reasonable amount of intelligence, a comfortable work environment, and clear results that I have done my work correctly.  All of those seem to fit me pretty well.

So I have met with a counselor and all of my general ed requirements will come over from my bachelors.  So I have 12 classes I need to take to get my associates and a certificate in web publishing and development.  I am going to be honest.  This could be another one of those projects that I start but don't finish because I lose the passion or interest.  Heck, I may not even like it.  If nothing else comes of this, I may have learned a lot about myself in this process and discovered some hard truths about myself that will force me to choose to stay where I am or move in a different direction.  The line in the sand is drawn and the truth is out there.  Associates degree or not, this may have already been a good education.