Alexithymia Antithesis

The story of Landon's birth

I know not everyone will be interested in this post and that's ok.  This is the story of Landon's birth, from beginning to end.  If nothing else, I want to be able to remember the details of this day for the rest of my life.

On Thursday the 19th, Kristen went to the doctor for a follow up appointment to see how far long she was.  She had a stress test done to monitor the baby's heartbeat and measure her contractions.  The baby's heartbeat was great but no contractions.  We also had an ultrasound done to see how he was doing.  Unfortunately, he had a hand over his face so all we could get was a shot of the lips and nose.  When Kristen's doctor came in, she examined her and said she had dilated a little over a centimeter.  She then mssaged/stripped her cervix in hopes of getting things going.  If it worked, we would know in 36 hours.  We went ahead and scheduled her to be induced on Wednesday June 25th at 5:15 am.  Hopefully, we were going to avoid that by Kristen going into labor on her own.

We went home that afternoon, we took a walk, had a regular evening, and did our part to try and move things along.  On Friday morning, I woke up at my usual time to head into work.  As my alarm went off, Kristen told me that I may want to work from home today as she has been having contractions since 2 am.  Surprised, excited, nervous as can be - all at the same time.  I jumped online for work and let me co-workers know what was going on.  During the morning, Kristen's contractions got worse.  By 10 am, she was doubled over in pain as her contractions were about 6 to 7 minutes apart.  I called and let our families know what was going on.  By 11 am, the contractions were near the 4 minute mark and she was in so much pain she ended up vomiting.  I showered and got ready and then waited on her to get ready.  Normally, she gets ready pretty quickly.  Not today.  Every few minutes, she would pause and double over in pain and lay down on the bed.  Finally, the contractions were close enough and been going on long enough, we headed to the hospital.

I drove to the hospital with my warning lights on, running a couple of lights, taking liberty with a couple of stop signs, and got to the hospital at about 1:30.  I filled out her paperwork and they took her back to see how far along she was.  The contractions were still about 4 to 5 minutes apart (2 to 3 minutes every once in a while).  However, she was only at 3 cm.  She was in so much pain she was starting to cry.  The doctor suggested she walk around to try and get things to progress.  However, she was hurting so bad she couldn't.  Fortunately for us, they realized things were moving along and went ahead and admitted her.  Our nurse, Lorna, came in and went over the paperwork that she needed to sign - security procedures, admission papers, epidural consent, etc.  Kristen was in so much pain that she would have signed her life away.  So I was carefully paying attention to all that was going on so I could follow.  Finally, the anesthiologist came in and gave her the epidural around 4 pm.  Kristen was back to herself and was happy to talk to the nurse now.  Contractions were still very strong and consistent but she couldn't feel them any more.

As for me, I was pretty restless.  I hated seeing Kristen in so much pain but once the epidural kicked in, things were a little slow and boring.  I ate some snacks, read a little, tried to sleep but time went by pretty slowly.  Around 6 pm, the doctor came in to see how far along she was and went ahead and broke her water.  Not much came out because his head was right there.  At that point, she was around 5 cm so we just continued to wait.  More reading, talking, eating dinner, and even a little TV.  Our nurse, Lorna, came in every once in a while to check in and see how things were going.  Finally, another doctor came in around 9.  Since she was going off duty and another doctor was coming on, she wanted to check one more time to see where she was.  Upon checking, she said she was already dilated to 10 and he was ready to go.  I ran to the bathroom, gathered up our stuff, and Kristen was headed to the operating room for delivery.

She was all set up, hooked up, and monitored as they got her ready.  The nurse told me I was going to help by holding her leg as she pushed.  No curtain, no sheet, nothing.  And definitely no standing by Kristen to just encourage her.  I learned how to watch the monitor to learn how the contractions were coming and was there holding the leg, encouraging Kristen, and watching this head begin to come out as she pushed.  The doctor who checked her came back in as the head began to crown.  Then another doctor, Dr. Porter, took over as the head was beginning to make its way out.  It was a slow process and not as quick as I thought it would be.  We were told this could take an hour and a half to two hours.  TV and movies make this happen so quickly and make it seem so painful.

Kristen was doing really well.  She didn't have pain but could feel the contractions and so she knew when to push.  She would do 3 or 4 pushes in a row holding for 10 and then take a break until the next contraction.  I was so impressed with her because she was so strong, wasn't fatigued, and said she was fine and relaxed between each contraction.  Little by little, the head began to appear and I saw the hair.  Because it took such a long time to get the head to come out, I was fixated on the hair trying to figure out if he was going to be a redhead or not.  The nurses and Kristen were laughing at me but it was all I had to concentrate on.  So many people (guys) say that the birth process is so gross.  It didn't bother me at all.  I was holding the leg with each contraction and was looking right down over his head so I could see the whole thing.  I thought it was really cool and it was fun to be a part of the process.

After an hour or so, the first third or so of the head came out.  The doctor and nurses were helping out by stretching Kristen out so she wouldn't tear.  After every push, the head came out a little more.  Finally, after an hour and 45 minutes, the whole head came out.  And then we were all surprised, nurses included!  As soon as his head was out, he opened his eyes and began looking around!!  The rest of his body was still inside but he couldn't wait to see what was going on.  Fifteen seconds or so after that and with one more push, the rest of his body came out just like that!  I was so shocked at how fast he came out (as was Kristen), I wasn't even prepared.  After pushing for nearly 2 hours just to get his head out, the rest of his body followed in a matter of seconds.  The doctor gave me the scissors and I cut the cord.  At 11:11 pm, Landon David was born and he was placed on Kristen's chest.  We both got tears in our eyes as we watched our little guy cry.  He had actually cried a little before they even suctioned his mouth.  Immediately, he quited down and just looked at both of us.  This guy was ready to make his appearance in the world.

The nurses dried him off and I grabbed my camera and took a couple of pictures.  I asked the nurse to take a couple as well.  He was then turned over to a nurse to be weighed, measured, poked, and prodded.  I followed him every step of the way just taking pictures.  Landon was 6 lbs 13 oz and was 20 inches long.  The rest was a blur as I was just walking around and following him in a joyful daze.  After he was finished being examined, he was given back to Kristen and wrapped up. 

From there, we were wheeled off to recovery where he was fed, given a sponge bath, and wrapped up.  Kristen was fed and I headed outside to let the family know.  We spent the next few minutes just watching him as he was put in his bassinet.  After a couple of hours of follow up, we headed to the postpartum room.

We arrived at 1:45 am where we got settled.  Kristen and Landon were settled in and their vitals were taken.  Then I headed home because there was nowhere for me to sleep.  We spent the next couple of days in the hospital.  He was in great health but did have some mucous they had to get out of him which hindered him from eating.  He was circumcised Sunday morning and by noon, we were headed home.  Our little boy Landon was coming home!

Reflecting back, it still seems like a dream.  It's a joy to look at him and just have him home.  However, I will never forget that day as long as I live.  I am not a perfect person and I will never be a perfect parent.  There will be days that I am not sure about this parenting thing and days I am just so tired that this seems too hard.  However, one thing is for sure - I love my son and my wife.  June 20th will always be a special day.

He has arrived!!

Landon David was born on Friday, June 20th at 11:11 pm.  He was 6 lbs 13 oz and was 20 inches long.  Mom and baby are healthy and everything looks good.  It took a while to get that head out but the rest of him came out in about 10 seconds!!  I think the baby looks like Kristen.  We are not sure of the hair color yet so it could be red like hers or a lighter brown/dark blonde like mine.   

So much more to share and talk about as far as the experience but I am a walking zombie.  Here are a few pics as he was welcomed into the world.

     

It's time for a baby!

Ok so that induced thing next Wednesday isn't happening.  Kristen has been in early labor and has been having contractions for the last 10 hours.  She is almost 5 minutes apart now so it looks as if the baby will be born today or early tomorrow!!  Leaving for the hospital very soon as the baby decided he doesn't want to wait until Wednesday!!  More updates later!

Let the countdown begin!

We have a date, sort of.  We had a stress test, ultrasound, and check up today on the baby and the good news is that everything looks great and he is healthy.  On the ultrasound, we got a good picture of his lips and a shot of his nose.  Apparently, he likes to sleep with his hands covering his face so we couldn't get a good shot of what he looks like.  Right now, we are just a couple of days away from 41 weeks (5 days overdue) and have an appointment to be induced Wednesday, June 25th at 5:15 am.  However, Kristen has dilated to 1.5 cm so we are slowly seeing progress although there are no contractions at all (we know that for sure from the stress test).  All is well which is the good news.  And within a week, he will finally be here!  Scared, nervous, excited - my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts.  We really want him to get this thing started himself so Kristen doesn't have to be induced.  Regardless of when he comes, we know the latest when he will arrive.  So let the countdown begin!!!

The day has come...and gone

And still no baby.  Today was the due date for junior on Father's Day no less.  But he has decided not to make his appearance yet.  And in all honesty, it could be a while.  We went to the doctor on Friday and she has not progressed at all.  So we go again tomorrow to see where she is.  It looks as if we are going to go ahead and schedule a date to induce just in case he continues to hold out.  So it's just a waiting game now to see when he makes his presence known.

My knees are KILLING me!!!

I am having a lot of trouble walking today.  Today I did the March of Dimes walk from the steps of the Capital in Sacramento.  There were thousands of people there today.  They announced at the walk Sacramento was either the 5th or 6th largest walk in the US.  And there were lots of people - old and young, various ages, grandparents, parents, sisters and brothers, babies, strollers, CHP academy cadets, and a lot of dogs as well.  There was music, food, various booths, but most importantly, people there for a purpose.  There was a 'Wall of Hope' with various stories of premature babies that survived thanks to the March of Dimes.  There was even the story of a baby born at 33 weeks and 3 days.  Kristen will be 33 weeks and 3 days on Wednesay.

At 9 am, the thousands of people headed out for the walk.  The walk was 6 miles and I made the decision I was going to run.  And I did.  After taking a few minutes to get ahead from the crowd, I ran the entire way and finished in a decent time of about 48 minutes.  I had a couple of girls just in front of me as pace setters so there was no way I was going to stop and walk.  :)  I had my iPod with me and it was a beautiful day.  Running through downtown Sacramento seemed like the perfect thing to do.  Along the way, various policemen were holding up traffic and giving us encouragement.  And as I headed towards the finish line, there were lots of people really cheering us on - with a LOT of walkers already at the finish line.  Apparently, there was a 3 mile course for the walkers.  That, or either us 6 milers didn't know where we were going.

Aside from the events, the stories, the beautiful day, and a good run, there are a couple of moments that I will remember from this - the beginning and the end.  As I started off and broke away from the crowd, I was thinking about my own son and got tears in my eyes.  As I finished up the race, the tears came again as I thought of him.  I don't know why.  I don't even know what I meant when I said this to myself but I thought of him and said "This is for you."

After the race, I ate "lunch" (if 10 am can be considered lunch) and headed home - hot, sweaty, tired, and feeling really good.  Not sure if I felt good because of the run or because of the cause.  Probably a combination of the two.  When I got home, I was exhausted.  I had gotten up at 6:45 and pushed my body more than I have in a long time.  Honestly, that is probably one of the longest runs I have done.  I took a shower and took a well deserved and needed nap.  After waking up, I could barely walk.  And even as I write this, there is a lot of pain in my knees.  However, as I look back on the day and what it was for, it was worth killing my knees for.

Thanks to all of you who supported me and contributed to this cause.

$475 to go!

With a week and a half to go, I am getting closer and closer to my goal.  This is my first time doing something like this.  I never imagined I would be doing a walk for babies.  However, your perspective on things changes.  So in doing this, I set a goal of $2,000 - a lot of money.  And the good news is I have $1,525 so far and only need $475 more.  If interested in donating, click on my March of Dimes link below.  Everything is tax deductible.  I really hope to reach my goal and am even considering making up the rest of it myself if I have to.  So read more if you are interested about my story and why I am doing this.  Regardless of what happens, I realize I am doing a good thing.

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

I just wanted to follow up and say I am halfway to my goal.  Thanks for those that have supported!  Still hoping to reach my lofty goal but thought I would have fun playing around with the links they gave me as well!  :)

March for Babies

As many of you know, Kristen and I are having our first baby in June.  And as I have shared with many of you, we have gone through a couple of scares regarding possible birth defects and down’s syndrome.  I know there are other friends of mine like Andrea and Daniel, Justin and Ana. and Theresa and Richard that are also having babies this year.  And many of you just had babies this past year or recently.  Some of us are having our first kids later in life and many of you have had kids or know others who have had kids when they were older as well.  However, anyone can be affected at any time with a premature baby or need for special care for babies with problems.  The purpose of March for Babies (formerly WalkAmerica) is for lifesaving research, services, education, and advocacy that give babies a healthy start to life.

Because of so many of your prayers and encouragement, I have been blessed as I have gone through my own struggles.  And in my struggles, I have found peace and confidence in God through this.  I hope and pray that I don’t have a premature baby in need of any of the lifesaving services that March of Dimes raises money for.  And honestly, I hope and pray the same for other friends that are having babies this year as well.  However, even if we won’t need the March of Dimes for our kids, there are plenty out there that do.  As some of you may know, I work for a organization consisting of a group of hospitals here in northern California.  Many of our hospitals specialize in maternity centers for the delivery and special care of babies.  And as part of this effort, I am joining our team to help out and raise money for the March for Babies.

As some of you may have read, I was recently reflecting back on my life and whether I am really who I want to be or if my life looks like what I thought it would at my age.  With my first child coming in June, these questions become even more important.  I was encouraged by a friend of mine to get involved in something now so I won’t ask these questions of myself next year.  While I am involved in many things, this one really means a lot to me this year.  Even if I won’t need the March of Dimes for my child, others will.  I have committed to raising as much money as I can to help, with no benefit to me.  For the goal that I have set, I have pledged that half of that will be made up by me.

If you would, please take the time to consider this.  Thank all of you for your stories and encouragement as it regards my family and yours.  And if you are able, please consider donating to this worthy cause.  If you would like to donate, please follow the link below (it is a secure site to donate).  I know many people ask for money these days.  However, this one means a lot to me right now as many of you understand why. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/branhaj

I want to close with this.  I just started reading a book about the Reformation and Renaissance in Europe.  Kind of a nerdy, school type of textbook but I am just interested in the subject and in the history because of all my travels in Europe and how that has shaped the countries there today.  I read in the first part of the book that many parents had 3 to 4 kids and only 45 percent of them survived to adulthood.  In thinking about the March of Dimes, what a blessing to see how much progress has been made for life.  And I hope I can play a small part in that to continue this.  I realized in reading about Europe in the 14th through 17th centuries how much we better life is for us both in terms of our quality of life and life itself.

The results

We went to get the ultrasound done today and met with the genetic counselor to go over all the details of our tests.  After sitting there nervously, nodding at everything she said, and answering a few questions, we went in for the ultrasound.  Our ultrasound technician definitely knew what she was doing.  She took tons of pictures and looked inside at the appendages and organs that made up our baby.  She checked the brain, the heart (numerous times), the kidney and bladder, spine, legs, arms, bone structure, nuchal fold, hands, and feet.  Most of the pictures I couldn't tell what was what.  Towards the end, I asked how he/she/it was looking since she wasn't saying much after the beginning.  After looking at everything, she said that the baby looked great and that everything was normal.  The baby looked really good and even made a comment that our baby was going to be a gymnast since it was all contorted and bent (I think the baby gets that from Kristen).  After asking my question, she asked if we wanted to know what it is.  She gave us a snapshot on the ultrasound and told us we are most definitely going to have a boy!

As I sat there looking at him, I got tears in my eyes.  I realized how faithful God had been and how he had answered.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and thanked God the whole way home.  Kristen and I have decided that we will not have an amnio done.  We were told that the ultrasound could only provide 50 percent assurance and that an amnio is the only way to guarantee that everything is ok.  Kristen always said the amnio was up to me because she was content with whatever happened.  It was in that moment of sitting there seeing our baby boy and just being overwhelmed that I made my decision.  I was rejoicing because of God's faithfulness and presence to us.  I want to continue this journey of faith for the last 5 months.  I want the blessing and reward of trusting God more than I want to be 100 percent sure everything is ok.  I feel like finding out for sure would rob me of having to depend more on God.  And as hard as this has been the last week, I wouldn't trade the rewards and blessings that have come from trusting God for anything a test or man's assurance can give me.  I want to continue to trust him the rest of the way.

The prayers aren't over but things do look good.  Nothing is guaranteed that this baby is not a down's syndrome child.  However, we feel good about how things went today.  If you want, continue to pray with us for this child.  For all that have prayed for us, thank you.  And it's because of your prayers and God's faithfulness and blessings to us during this time that we are choosing to continue to trust him the rest of the way.  Thanks to so many of you.  And thank you God.  It was a blessing to have gone through this tough week.

Now it's on to names (along with the continued prayer and faith).  And since our ultrasound tech was a Russian lady, I wonder what Kristen will think about the name Vladimir?