Alexithymia Antithesis

A husband's thoughts on being a dad

With school, work, Landon, and Gamecock football, things have been busy lately.  However, I start a 2 week vacation today so I wanted to take the time to reflect on what life is like right now.

This may come as a surprise but men and women are different.  And so is our perspective when it comes to having a baby around.  To be fair, these are just my thoughts and feelings on this as one guy and so I am not an expert on this from a man's or woman's perspective. 

This has been a big adjustment.  Not a bad one but there has been some gained and some lost in this transition to having Landon around.  And I think the biggest adjustment is for the husband (stay with me here and don't get mad!).  For women, this is a HUGE change!  And for many, it is a difficult one.  Every second of each waking moment is so focused on a new child that you may forget how things used to be.  There is NO WAY I could have the energy, patience, or effort to be a mom.  That is so beyond what I could handle.  So I am not trying to minimize the stress of having a baby or saying it is not an adjustment or difficult at all.  However, it seems like moms take one minute at a time and don't look much beyond that.  Moms may not take the time to remember how things were because they are only focused on the here and now.  I may be wrong and probably am but just saying all this as a lead in as to how I have transitioned and see things.

For me as a dad, it is different.  I don't have the same bond/connection with Landon that Kristen does.  And I don't spend nearly as much time with him as she does.  After being off for a month, life went back to a normal schedule as I went back to work.  Yet, things aren't normal.  I don't get to connect with Kristen like I used to as I was used to getting all of her attention.  Because I am not giving as much to Landon and I am back at work, I tend to notice the changes a little bit more because I am not as caught up in the here and now and just getting through each day.  I notice there is a difference and feel the effects of it.  Kristen and Landon are connecting with each other and I have to try and make those connections with each of them.  The attention I used to get I now have to fight for so I notice the impact on my marriage and family.  Back to work, missing out on connection and intimacy, looking for ways to bond with a son, and feeling like I don't have the connection they do. 

So is this a bigger adjustment for me than it is Kristen?  I am not stupid enough to say that it is.  I will say that the adjustment may be more noticeable to me.  She gives a lot to him and less to me and I notice it.  And that's probably the hardest part.  She still does so much with cooking and things around the house and taking care of him that I am amazed she is able to accomplish all that she does.  However, I miss her and sometimes I seem like I am the odd one out.

Don't take this as a downer because it isn't.  I don't regret being a dad.  I love Landon and want to spend quality time with him every day.  I am sure my spending time with him comes as a sacrifice to time I could spend with Kristen.  So being a dad is new, rewarding, and fun.  And there will be so many joys and experiences I would have never been able to experience without him and wouldn't trade for the world.  And I know that going to school right now and working means Kristen is making HUGE sacrifices on her part to take care of Landon and everything at home.  However, I miss my wife.  And that's a good thing.

I had someone tell me this week that once you have a child, you end up raising two kids - the child and the husband.  You never realize how needy your husband can be until you have someone to take his place (in terms of time and effort).  I hope we get a chance to connect some this week as we will be heading to Tahoe for a few days.

So there are my thoughts.  For moms out there, don't beat me up for this.  After all, it's not a bad thing to miss your wife when falling in love with a child at the same time.

I don't know how they do it

How women go through childbirth and have the strength to do what they do without sleep amazes me.  I am exhausted and there is little I did or can do.  Kristen has barely slept in 3 days and carries on with strength that amazes me.  It didn't help that she had one of the worst babies possible in the same room with her for the last day.  And those aren't my words but from Kristen's nurse tonight.  Finally, after nearly 24 hours of non stop crying from a loud baby, I stepped outside and asked if they would move Kristen just to let her sleep.  So tonight, she is in her own room by herself hopefully getting some rest. 

Landon looks like a saint compared to this other kid.  However, he has his moments as well.  Honestly, that boy has suckers that would make an octopus jealous!  We had no choice but to give him a pacifier and he LOVES it.  It is almost non stop sucking for him.  I was very wary of him using it and still am but everyone assures me with how much he sucks he will do great.  He also had me a little scared today as he kept gagging.  He was throwing up mucous and couldn't breathe.  They ended up putting a tube down his throat and sucking out 7 CCs of mucous so he is better now. 

So mom and baby are doing great but both are tired.  Please pray for rest and strength for both of them as they will be coming home tomorrow.  I look forward to having them at home, letting Kristen sleep in her own bed with peace and quiet, introducing Landon to his siblings Sadie and Chase, and getting our lives started together as a family.  I just want them healthy and strong and will do all I can to help.  It is amazing how much energy and love just comes out of us when that baby is born.  It seems to come from somewhere far beyond us.  And for that, I am ever so thankful.

Coming soon - the story of the birth!  May not be exciting to most people (you seem to love the story and memories of your kid being born but not so much everyone else's) but I have to write this down as I want to be able to record everything that happened so I will remember it forever.  So if there are those of you that don't care, too bad.  :)

He has arrived!!

Landon David was born on Friday, June 20th at 11:11 pm.  He was 6 lbs 13 oz and was 20 inches long.  Mom and baby are healthy and everything looks good.  It took a while to get that head out but the rest of him came out in about 10 seconds!!  I think the baby looks like Kristen.  We are not sure of the hair color yet so it could be red like hers or a lighter brown/dark blonde like mine.   

So much more to share and talk about as far as the experience but I am a walking zombie.  Here are a few pics as he was welcomed into the world.

     

It's time for a baby!

Ok so that induced thing next Wednesday isn't happening.  Kristen has been in early labor and has been having contractions for the last 10 hours.  She is almost 5 minutes apart now so it looks as if the baby will be born today or early tomorrow!!  Leaving for the hospital very soon as the baby decided he doesn't want to wait until Wednesday!!  More updates later!

Let the countdown begin!

We have a date, sort of.  We had a stress test, ultrasound, and check up today on the baby and the good news is that everything looks great and he is healthy.  On the ultrasound, we got a good picture of his lips and a shot of his nose.  Apparently, he likes to sleep with his hands covering his face so we couldn't get a good shot of what he looks like.  Right now, we are just a couple of days away from 41 weeks (5 days overdue) and have an appointment to be induced Wednesday, June 25th at 5:15 am.  However, Kristen has dilated to 1.5 cm so we are slowly seeing progress although there are no contractions at all (we know that for sure from the stress test).  All is well which is the good news.  And within a week, he will finally be here!  Scared, nervous, excited - my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts.  We really want him to get this thing started himself so Kristen doesn't have to be induced.  Regardless of when he comes, we know the latest when he will arrive.  So let the countdown begin!!!

Things to Do

Well the first in this list would be "not freak out."  I have spent some time reading and thinking about those first few days as a dad.  There are the feedings, crying, changing diapers, exhaustion, health of baby and mom, chores, and so much more.  Just thinking and reading about it all really is overwhelming.  I don't know how parents find the strength to make it through.  And yet they do.  On top of the "turning-my-world-upside-down-and-freaking-out-about-this-new-baby" thoughts, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do and how I want to be.  From the most important parts of raising a child to the smallest, minute details.  So as I take a moment to distract myself from this impending, wonderful, overwhelming, exciting, scary, and loving event, I have a list of things I want to do as a dad (in no particular order):

• teach my son about God.  Live my life in a way that helps him see God in life
• love my wife to help model what a good, loving relationships looks like
• talk to my son.  Even at an early age, I want to share my thoughts, fears, and what happened in my day
• make an effort to help more around the house with chores
• get my spiritual life together and spend more time with God
• watch less TV as I don't want this to be a source of our family's entertainment
• plan trips for my family as I want my son to see the rest of the world
• start to live out the ideals that are so important to me.  Put faith and values into action
• spend time every day playing with and talking to my son
• pray together as a family, even at an early age
• learn to ask my kids "what can I help you with?" when they make a fuss or need attention (thanks Adam - I bet you never even knew what an impression that made on me when I heard you do that with your girls)
• teach lessons about right and wrong by sharing the reasons behind it.  Share my own mistakes
• end every day by telling my son "I love you" so that he knows it is ok to hear these words from his dad
• practice giving and seeking forgiveness, grace, mercy
• pray for my family and give each day of their lives to God
• do my best to learn/teach my son another language

This list isn't even close to being complete.  And I know this is a list that is really specific for me.  I probably need to read this every day.  I know I am going to fall short and mess up at times.  However, this is the type of parent I want to be.  And I am sure there are going to be quite a few things that I add to this. 

I can't put into words all the emotions I am feeling.  We are 3 weeks away from the due date and I am sure every father has gone through what I am going through.  I am interested in how all of this will change me.  And I will be honest and say there are things about this I am absolutely not looking forward to. 

It's late and as usual my mind is analyzing, contemplating, and thinking.  It's also when my emotions are at their peak as well.  There is a lot I want to accomplish.  There is a lot I want to be.  And there is a lot of change that will happen through all of this.  There are a lot of things I want to do and be.  The list is only beginning.

The perfect baby boy outfits for Saturdays in the Fall!

If you know me, no further explanation is needed.

My knees are KILLING me!!!

I am having a lot of trouble walking today.  Today I did the March of Dimes walk from the steps of the Capital in Sacramento.  There were thousands of people there today.  They announced at the walk Sacramento was either the 5th or 6th largest walk in the US.  And there were lots of people - old and young, various ages, grandparents, parents, sisters and brothers, babies, strollers, CHP academy cadets, and a lot of dogs as well.  There was music, food, various booths, but most importantly, people there for a purpose.  There was a 'Wall of Hope' with various stories of premature babies that survived thanks to the March of Dimes.  There was even the story of a baby born at 33 weeks and 3 days.  Kristen will be 33 weeks and 3 days on Wednesay.

At 9 am, the thousands of people headed out for the walk.  The walk was 6 miles and I made the decision I was going to run.  And I did.  After taking a few minutes to get ahead from the crowd, I ran the entire way and finished in a decent time of about 48 minutes.  I had a couple of girls just in front of me as pace setters so there was no way I was going to stop and walk.  :)  I had my iPod with me and it was a beautiful day.  Running through downtown Sacramento seemed like the perfect thing to do.  Along the way, various policemen were holding up traffic and giving us encouragement.  And as I headed towards the finish line, there were lots of people really cheering us on - with a LOT of walkers already at the finish line.  Apparently, there was a 3 mile course for the walkers.  That, or either us 6 milers didn't know where we were going.

Aside from the events, the stories, the beautiful day, and a good run, there are a couple of moments that I will remember from this - the beginning and the end.  As I started off and broke away from the crowd, I was thinking about my own son and got tears in my eyes.  As I finished up the race, the tears came again as I thought of him.  I don't know why.  I don't even know what I meant when I said this to myself but I thought of him and said "This is for you."

After the race, I ate "lunch" (if 10 am can be considered lunch) and headed home - hot, sweaty, tired, and feeling really good.  Not sure if I felt good because of the run or because of the cause.  Probably a combination of the two.  When I got home, I was exhausted.  I had gotten up at 6:45 and pushed my body more than I have in a long time.  Honestly, that is probably one of the longest runs I have done.  I took a shower and took a well deserved and needed nap.  After waking up, I could barely walk.  And even as I write this, there is a lot of pain in my knees.  However, as I look back on the day and what it was for, it was worth killing my knees for.

Thanks to all of you who supported me and contributed to this cause.

$475 to go!

With a week and a half to go, I am getting closer and closer to my goal.  This is my first time doing something like this.  I never imagined I would be doing a walk for babies.  However, your perspective on things changes.  So in doing this, I set a goal of $2,000 - a lot of money.  And the good news is I have $1,525 so far and only need $475 more.  If interested in donating, click on my March of Dimes link below.  Everything is tax deductible.  I really hope to reach my goal and am even considering making up the rest of it myself if I have to.  So read more if you are interested about my story and why I am doing this.  Regardless of what happens, I realize I am doing a good thing.

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

I just wanted to follow up and say I am halfway to my goal.  Thanks for those that have supported!  Still hoping to reach my lofty goal but thought I would have fun playing around with the links they gave me as well!  :)