A confession

I am rather prideful, arrogant, judgmental, and condescending.  I want to sugarcoat that and make it seem not so harsh by explaining my life.  I must be honest.  It's true.  Maybe it's a little harsh but it just makes what the bible says all the more true.  With the sin within, there is nothing good about us.  In many ways, I want to be right and respected for my knowledge, abilities, and talents.  This has affected past relationships, first impressions, friendships I have now, and friendships I don't have.

The reality is that I really want to be liked and accepted, more than I ever lead on.  I thought my insecure days were behind me.  However, I am going through another period in my life where I just seem to be struggling with these things.  I just feel that is how people look at me right now.  Whether intentionally or unintentionally people are distant from me and I think God is in that.  The hard part of this reality that is so hard to accept is that maybe I am not all that likeable if God isn't working in me.  That pains me more that I want to admit and it's a discouraging feeling to see yourself in this way. 

I have lived my life so self sufficiently and feel like I have made my own way through life.  I hate relying on others and pride myself on what I have become.  However, there is an emptiness that comes with that.  And I am not as self reliant or in control as I think.  I really struggle with humility at times.  And I think these feelings, insecurity, struggles, etc. are ways of grounding me and always bringing me back to this.  I have gone through this before but this is different. 

When I drive, I am judgmental.  At work, I can be arrogant and stand offish.  To those that I talk to, I can be arrogant and self righteous.  In discussions, can be arrogant and condescending.  In athletics, I am prideful.  In academics, I am prideful and too self-assured.  In relationships, I can be quite selfish.  I say all of this as a written reminder of who I am now.  Hopefully, I can look back on this one day and see how different I really am.

I want so much to be a good dad.  I have such high standards and great values that I want to pass on.  Unfortunately, these tend to be much more ideals than they are practice in my own life.  In reading a parenting book recently, it stated your kids will follow your model and behavior more than anything that you say to them.  Man, if that doesn't motivate me or change me I don't know what else could.

For all that I have hurt or wounded, I am sorry.  For those that I have been as arrogant, condescending, or judgmental to, I apologize.  Please forgive me.  My prayer is that God remind me every day how blessed I am and may he give me a humble heart.  I believe the heart to love and give and serve is there.  I really just need humility to knock down my walls of pride, judgment, and arrogance.

Comments

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just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have and do go through all those feelings to. I just ask God every day to give me the strangth to do the next thing the best I can and stay in today. Forget about the past and let him handle the future and my days seem to role a little more smoothly.