I am rather prideful, arrogant, judgmental, and condescending. I want to sugarcoat that and make it seem not so harsh by explaining my life. I must be honest. It's true. Maybe it's a little harsh but it just makes what the bible says all the more true. With the sin within, there is nothing good about us. In many ways, I want to be right and respected for my knowledge, abilities, and talents. This has affected past relationships, first impressions, friendships I have now, and friendships I don't have.
The reality is that I really want to be liked and accepted, more than I ever lead on. I thought my insecure days were behind me. However, I am going through another period in my life where I just seem to be struggling with these things. I just feel that is how people look at me right now. Whether intentionally or unintentionally people are distant from me and I think God is in that. The hard part of this reality that is so hard to accept is that maybe I am not all that likeable if God isn't working in me. That pains me more that I want to admit and it's a discouraging feeling to see yourself in this way.
I have lived my life so self sufficiently and feel like I have made my own way through life. I hate relying on others and pride myself on what I have become. However, there is an emptiness that comes with that. And I am not as self reliant or in control as I think. I really struggle with humility at times. And I think these feelings, insecurity, struggles, etc. are ways of grounding me and always bringing me back to this. I have gone through this before but this is different.
When I drive, I am judgmental. At work, I can be arrogant and stand offish. To those that I talk to, I can be arrogant and self righteous. In discussions, can be arrogant and condescending. In athletics, I am prideful. In academics, I am prideful and too self-assured. In relationships, I can be quite selfish. I say all of this as a written reminder of who I am now. Hopefully, I can look back on this one day and see how different I really am.
I want so much to be a good dad. I have such high standards and great values that I want to pass on. Unfortunately, these tend to be much more ideals than they are practice in my own life. In reading a parenting book recently, it stated your kids will follow your model and behavior more than anything that you say to them. Man, if that doesn't motivate me or change me I don't know what else could.
For all that I have hurt or wounded, I am sorry. For those that I have been as arrogant, condescending, or judgmental to, I apologize. Please forgive me. My prayer is that God remind me every day how blessed I am and may he give me a humble heart. I believe the heart to love and give and serve is there. I really just need humility to knock down my walls of pride, judgment, and arrogance.
