Alexithymia Antithesis

A confession

I am rather prideful, arrogant, judgmental, and condescending.  I want to sugarcoat that and make it seem not so harsh by explaining my life.  I must be honest.  It's true.  Maybe it's a little harsh but it just makes what the bible says all the more true.  With the sin within, there is nothing good about us.  In many ways, I want to be right and respected for my knowledge, abilities, and talents.  This has affected past relationships, first impressions, friendships I have now, and friendships I don't have.

The reality is that I really want to be liked and accepted, more than I ever lead on.  I thought my insecure days were behind me.  However, I am going through another period in my life where I just seem to be struggling with these things.  I just feel that is how people look at me right now.  Whether intentionally or unintentionally people are distant from me and I think God is in that.  The hard part of this reality that is so hard to accept is that maybe I am not all that likeable if God isn't working in me.  That pains me more that I want to admit and it's a discouraging feeling to see yourself in this way. 

I have lived my life so self sufficiently and feel like I have made my own way through life.  I hate relying on others and pride myself on what I have become.  However, there is an emptiness that comes with that.  And I am not as self reliant or in control as I think.  I really struggle with humility at times.  And I think these feelings, insecurity, struggles, etc. are ways of grounding me and always bringing me back to this.  I have gone through this before but this is different. 

When I drive, I am judgmental.  At work, I can be arrogant and stand offish.  To those that I talk to, I can be arrogant and self righteous.  In discussions, can be arrogant and condescending.  In athletics, I am prideful.  In academics, I am prideful and too self-assured.  In relationships, I can be quite selfish.  I say all of this as a written reminder of who I am now.  Hopefully, I can look back on this one day and see how different I really am.

I want so much to be a good dad.  I have such high standards and great values that I want to pass on.  Unfortunately, these tend to be much more ideals than they are practice in my own life.  In reading a parenting book recently, it stated your kids will follow your model and behavior more than anything that you say to them.  Man, if that doesn't motivate me or change me I don't know what else could.

For all that I have hurt or wounded, I am sorry.  For those that I have been as arrogant, condescending, or judgmental to, I apologize.  Please forgive me.  My prayer is that God remind me every day how blessed I am and may he give me a humble heart.  I believe the heart to love and give and serve is there.  I really just need humility to knock down my walls of pride, judgment, and arrogance.

A country without consequences - the decline of America

I have heard the argument both ways.  America is declining due to the rapidly decaying moral and family values that are going on in this country.  America is even better than we were due to advances in technology, longer life expectancies, great technology, more freedom, and an ever-growing economy.  Oops on that last part.  I think the opinion now is that the US has either led the worldwide global economic crisis or at least has been a major part of it.  So maybe things aren't as promising for this country as once thought. 

The federal government passes stimulus and bailout plans to rescue banks, the auto industry, homes, and various businesses and people through the use of borrowed money.  States are running out of cash and looking for more revenues by cutting spending, raising taxes, and borrowing money.  People are losing their jobs and homes and unemployment continues to increase as companies go out of business.  Many would look at our country and just believe that we have fallen on hard times and are in a downturn of an economic cycle.  Granted, these problems are so troubling in that we haven't seen struggles like this in decades.  So what is the reason?

Well if you ask political pundits, it is because the previous administration overspent or laxed the rules and regulations which allowed this to happen.  It was the cause of the administration before that for not learning from the mistakes and opening the door for this fall to happen.  Businesses blame the government for not helping them out enough or blaming the economy for their slide.  People blame the greed of the banks for taking advantage of them on their loans or not lending to them in a time when we need it.  Or maybe it is the economy that is causing their situation and they are just a victim of the times as well.

However, you can take a closer, deeper look at these things and find something more.  The government has been overspending and operating a deficit for years.  No amount of regulations on businesses can hold a government accountable for only spending what they actually have.  The same goes for the state as they overspent for years and now have to make up for their mistakes by cutting spending and taxing people to fix this.  Businesses spend millions to pay executives, go on retreats, upgrade offices, all while not making enough effort to run an efficient and effective business.  And people buy houses they can't afford because they can't manage their own money, run up credit card debt, and have spent decades living beyond their means.  In this day and age, it's all about blaming someone else for your problems.

This is not a problem that happened when the market, banks, auto industry, etc. collapsed.  This has been a disease that has been lying in wait for years.  And now it has taken its toll.  We are attempting to throw money at a problem by borrowing in order to find a quick fix for our struggles.  Isn't that our history over the last few decades?  Isn't that the American family's solution to their problems?  Where is the accountability and consequences for these decisions? 

And here is where we see the decline of America - a lack of consequences and accountability for decisions.  This isn't an economic problem we have.  It's a cultural one.  And now we may face a moral decline and economic crisis.  Ironically, the root of both of these problems is the same.  A drunk man stumbles into the path of an oncoming subway and gets hit.  The subway train driver is at fault and the drunk man is rewarded.  A man smokes for years, gets lung cancer and dies.  The family receives money in a lawsuit for this.  A woman spills hot coffee on her clothes while driving and sues because the coffee was too hot.  She wins.  Bailout plans, putting blame on others, and using up our credit to fix our problems now - all are a result of living a life without consequences or accountability.  It's the cancer in our culture that has led to our economic, and moral, decline.  It illustrates the ever growing theme in this country - irresponsibility and lack of accountability for one's own actions not only doesn't lead to consequences but is often rewarded. 

So we have seen the lack of consequences and accountability in the governments, culture, and the American families.  However, worst of all, this extends to many kids today.  We are often too worried about whether our kid is happy and how he feels than we are teaching him accountability and consequences for his actions.  Kids aren't using technology, they are raised by it.  And there is little parenting today.  Kids see the government, the culture around them, and their parents and learn to model that behavior.  They live life without consequences, thinking someone will eventually help them out, and they become lazy and catered to in this life.  They don't gain respect for authority, lash out at any attemps to make them obey, and lose out in learning from the pain of their mistakes.

This isn't just a moral or economis issue.  It's a cultural issue that has gone on for years.  We have become a country without consequences or accountability.  And unless something changes, this cancer will eat away at the moral and economic fabric in which this country was built on.

Why do we celebrate birthdays?

OK, I will go ahead and get this part out of the way - today is my birthday.  However, I am writing this out of contemplation, not out of a desire to get attention (although I will make some confessions on this later).  Why do we celebrate birthdays?  I read the history on it and understand it was a pagan celebration and how various celebrations took place in Egypt and other places.  There are stories about the origins of birthday cakes, the birthday song (written in 1893 by a couple of ladies who were school teachers I believe), and even how it is celebrated in other countries.

However, that is not what I mean when I ask "why do we celebrate birthdays?"  For example, why do we throw a huge birthday party for a 1 year old?  It's not for them as they obviously won't remember it and years later, won't even care that they have pictures of themselves buried in a cake.  In this case, it is more about the friends and family coming together to remember the occasion.  Why do we do that?  What is it about a child's birthday, in which he doesn't understand nor will he remember, makes us want to celebrate?  From that perspective, it's probably another way for parents to express their joy over their child and to show him/her off again.

As we get older, why do we celebrate?  As little kids, birthday parties are so much fun and are a big deal to have fun with friends.  Do birthday celebrations help with a child's identity and acceptance for later on in life?  Is it a personality thing where some like the big parties and attention and some like it low key?  Do celebrations of birthdays cause us to be more self-seeking and wanting attention on those days than other days?  Is it ok that we feel that way?  As adults, some still love the parties, celebration, and attention.  And some prefer no attention at all to where they don't even want people to know when their birthday is.  Is that because they were fulfilled enough as a child and had enough parties or they just have the personality where they don't want the attention?

I'll confess - I really like the attention.  I don't want gifts and don't need a big party but I do like people to acknowledge my birthday.  I really it when someone just tells me "Happy Birthday!"  I don't want to have to tell someone it is my birthday to get attention.  I guess I want to matter enough to people that they remember.  And honestly, I feel a little down if people don't remember or if enough people don't remember.  I always love it and know that my family remembers.  Honestly, my wife and mom are the two best people in the world at making me feel special on that day.  When a birthday comes, no matter what age or how low key the day is, I feel different.  I can't help but feel different.  I go from just an ordinary day to feeling like I want attention and need to be acknowledged.  Is that normal?  Is that selfish?  Did I not get enough recognition growing up (I admit I didn't get much attention from friends and such for my birthday after the kid parties were over with)?  Is this a personality thing?  Why are birthdays celebrated and why do people deal with the occasion in different ways?

When my son came along, I said that I wanted his birthday be a day in which he serves or gives back to others.  I want to instill in him an attitude of helping and giving back to others.  Yet his dad's attitude is quite different.  It's a reminder to me that I need to make this more about others as well.  And probably not just on my birthday.  However, it is my birthday and I like it to be acknowledged (without having to ask or remind someone).  I just want to understand why I feel this way.

My economic stimulus plan

Much debate has centered around the economic stimulus plans.  There was a lot of criticism for Bush's plan and there seems to be a lot with Obama's as well.  So I thought I would try my hand at my own plan.  I have no desire to be President or part of Congress and don't pretend to be an economist but thought I would actually offer suggestions rather than criticisms.

MY ECONOMIC STIMULUS PLAN:

I have a 5 step solution to the car, housing, credit crisis, and economy struggles (vouchers, credit, loans to businesses, tax refunds) outlined below. 

1.  Vouchers are given to consumers by the govt for the purchase of a car from one of the big 3.

The money given to the American people would be based on a tiered income approach.  Those making 25k or less per family would receive $10k (or another higher amount TBD).  From there, as income went up, the amount of the voucher received would go down.  There is also a possibility that this could include much smaller vouchers for cars purchased not from the big 3. 

These vouchers do not have to be used but for those choosing to use them, they would create demand and jobs for the big 3 automakers as well as some impact for other automakers.  This is a stimulus plan that is earmarked specifically to help the auto industry and various other industries that are impacted.  If people choose not to use them, then the govt saves money and therefore only pays for the money that is actually spent.  For any vouchers used, the amount of that voucher goes directly to the big 3 and other automakers who receive them.  However, there would be a slightly higher tax in one of 2 ways -1) a higher tax on corporate profits based on the percentage of vouchers received/cars purchased from this package or 2) a direct tax on these vehicles that is slightly higher than the normal taxation on vehicles.  This then helps the federal govt to offset the cost of this stimulus package.  This isn’t a free ride for anyone.  There is another benefit of this voucher program which is outlined below in #4.

2.  Vouchers for those consumers struggling in the housing crisis. 

Specific guidelines would be outlined for this but it would be similar to the car voucher.  For those meeting certain criteria, vouchers would be given to help those in foreclosure or behind in their payments.  This would also be a tiered approach based on income.  This plan is meant to rescue people from foreclosure, help banks collect on their debts owed to them to provide some relief.  Even if it only makes a dent, any payments received for these homes would help ease the money lost by banks as a result of these homes.  As a voucher, this money can only be used for this purpose.  Once families are no longer in foreclosure or are current in their payments, a re-financing option or home sale could be worked out at the lower interest rates to help save and stimulate the housing market.  Additional help for banks can be found if #3 if certain criteria are met.

3.  Credit relief for business. 

A much smaller bailout plan would be earmarked for 3 categories: banks, the big 3, and other businesses.  This would be nowhere near the billions offered now but a TOTAL of 1/3 of that for ALL THREE categories.  HOWEVER, each of these would have to meet certain criteria to qualify.  The funds given to those who qualify MUST use this money to pay creditors and pay down their debts.  This money is not used for bonuses or to use as discretionary money as they see fit.  Therefore, a business must be struggling, must need this money to stay in business, and must use it to pay creditors/debt.  As a result of this payment, any business who receives money and turns a business profit over the next so many years or quarters will incur a stimulus tax to help pay back money that they received.

4.  Responsible credit opportunities for consumers (cont).

The vouchers for cars and houses would create a cash down/larger quity in cars and homes.  For those struggling with credit, this will help them with responsible credit amounts that many may be able to afford. 

For a smaller income family, 10k towards a used car may result in needing a loan of $2000.  The same with the middle income family needing $10k (rather than 20 or 30k).  This allows banks to secure loans for people and allow for responsible credit with lower payments that people can afford.  The same is true of houses as vouchers will allow people to have larger equity in their homes, save their credit, and free up their current income to refinance or pursue more affordable options.  Giving consumers vouchers means cash down resulting in smaller loans but easing up a little on the credit crunch to allow smaller, responsible loans to be issued again.  The voucher system comes with a built in benefit of helping people secure responsible loans for affordable amounts.

5.  Stimulus checks for Americans.

This would be similar to what we have now.  However, the amount would be smaller ($400 per person) and would also come in the form of a voucher/payment.  However, this voucher could be spent on any good or service items.  Paying off debt, putting into savings, buying CDs, etc would be allowed.  However, any voucher not spent on a good or service item would be considered taxable income for the current year.  The voucher/stimulus payment is meant to encourage spending in the economy.  And while investing or paying off debt is completely permissible, this would be considered taxable income for tax purposes.  Otherwise, it’s free money.  Again, this is a built in way for the govt to recover some of the money in this plan.

So there’s my plan.  Vouchers would be used to directly help businesses, help consumers with housing and cars, and create jobs and demand in these two industries.  And because the money would be specific towards these, it cut some of the wasteful spending of other stimulus plans.  Money given to banks, auto makers, and other businesses would eliminate bonus checks and blank checks written to struggling industries.  This money would be to specifically help those struggling stay afloat and would only be paid back in smaller amounts in the form of taxes for those businesses who turn things around.  No other protection will be offered and it allows many businesses to free up some of their cash from all the debt they owe.  And finally, this encourages smaller loans and would help stimulate a responsible credit market.  Stimulus checks would put money in the hands of the people and be tax free if used to spend in the economy.

Billions of dollars are saved (from current plans) for a plan costing at least half of what is proposed now, money is poured directly into the economy, regulations and controls are in place to account for the dollars given out, responsible spending is encouraged and rewarded, and the govt has set up a plan to recoup some of the money given out to ease the borrowing for this plan.

Struggling with Identity

I read a really good blog tonight talking about the three lies that often define who we are.  In summary, they are possessions, other's opinions, and our jobs/title.  You can read more about this here:

http://modesty.blogspot.com/2009/01/thr33-lies.html

So instead of studying and doing all this work for school, I find myself reflecting.  As painful as this might be or as much of a turn off or disappointment this may be to others to hear me say this, I am going to be honest. 

As for possessions and job, I don't struggle much with those things defining me.  Sometimes I take pride in not having things everyone else has.  I purposefully don't want the toys, gadgets, nice house, car, etc because I never want that to be what defines me.  My job definitely doesn't define me.  I definitely want work to be fulfilling and want what I do to have purpose.  However, now it really doesn't.  Work pays the bills and when I come home, family is he priority.  When I think about who I want to be, it never or rarely involves what I do for a living although that is a part of it.  When I think of what is important and what defines me, my career is far down on the list.  As for what other people say, I can't say it doesn't matter.  Like everyone I want to be liked and accepted.  However, I am ok with being unique and different even if I am not always liked for it.  So while I am not perfect in any of these, I don't feel like I fall back on one of these three things to define me.  Yet I still struggle with my identity.

As many know, faith is important to me.  It is real.  My convictions are strong.  Yet my faith isn't always strong.  I completely believe in God, Christ, and Christianity.  I just don't do it very well.  God calls for us to give our lives to him, love him and others, and trust him.  And frankly, I just don't want to most of the time. I struggle with living the life God calls us to lead.

Maybe that's just wrong to admit or is way too personal or real or just too much information.  Maybe I am a bad person for admitting it.  In my pride, I admit I haven't needed God very often.  It's so easy to depend on myself and just let me be in control (so to speak).  In most everything I have done, I have had success - school, work, sports.  My real failure is a marriage.  In that, I really depended on God to help repair me and worked to turn things around.  On the outside, I haven't needed God.  I've done pretty well on my own.  Living in America, I think that is our curse.  This is one of the easiest places in the world to not need God. However, I like being in control of my life and the direction I take.  From the outside, I have done well.  On the inside, I have yet to succeed because I am not yet fulfilled.

I don't want to give control over to God.  I am scared to.  I don't like it when things don't go according to plan.  I don't like messes and mistakes.  I've always been that way.  Honestly, I don't like people a lot of times.  I am not very loving and kind hearted to people.  I am more private and give that to people close to me.  I don't always want to reach out and love others.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I don't like reading the bible as much any more because I have lost the joy and fulfillment that comes with it.  I've either lost the life that Jesus promised, never really tasted it, or too lazy and immature to seek it.  Yeah, all of this isn't good.  I admit it.  I don't want to give control to God, love the ideals of Christianity but struggle to even want to live them out, and am either too comfortable or too scared to live out my faith.

So I don't struggle much with the three things above.  Yet I still struggle with identity.  On the outside, I have it all together and life is good.  Life isn't bad.  It just isn't fulfilling.  I have been able to depend on myself to take care of all the other things but I have yet to find that deep personal fulfillment.  I know it can only be filled by God.  Jesus even said that those who want to find life must lose it.  I just don't know how willing I am.  Call it what you want but my identity is a struggle because I have been unwilling to find myself.  And I seem to be struggling to do it in the only way that works.

Quiet reflection...among friends

It's been a very busy last couple of weeks with end of the semester, travel, and time with family.  It's something that's common to many of us.  We are always busy and it is getting harder and harder to slow down.  The holidays make things even more hectic - time with family, traveling, shopping, parties, vacations, etc. 

After a hectic day of traveling back to California on Christmas Day, things were just as busy for us as the next day was a busy, stressful one.  We had the pleasure of hosting our friend Leah, who was visiting from Spain, and some friends for a time of food and fellowship.  It was so much fun hanging out and talking.  And the conversation was all over the place - religion, teaching, fishing, tv, movies, family, culture, Spain, politics, and many other topics that came and went over the course of a few hours.  It was the best, authentic fellowship that I have had in a long time.  All of us have different backgrounds, families, experiences, views, etc.  Yet we are bonded together in unique ways.  In our similarities and differences we challenge and learn from each other.

There was much that I shared.  And there were plenty of times that I just listened and learned.  I wanted to listen to stories from those who had already been parents.  I needed to sit and listen to those who were struggling to grow and serve God.  Honestly, I have lost that.  However, I have had the chance to reflect on some things lately.  I have realized how much watching TV effects me and how it is a big waste of time in most cases.  I see how I act when I am focused on TV and then I see how much more relaxed and full of joy when the TV is off.  I realize that being with my son or talking to my wife gives me fulfillment that I don't find when I am "relaxing."  I have had my eyes opened to how much my family watched TV growing up and how that has affected our ability to communicate with each other to this day.  And now my attitude on that has completely changed and now it completely turns me off to have the TV on when I am with my family in SC.  And now with Landon, that becomes so much more important because everything I do becomes a model for him.

While these moments of revelation have made me stop and think, Leah touched upon something that has been lacking in my life - quiet reflection.  There was a period back in 2004 when I didn't turn the TV on for 40 days.  I learned to find other things to do and part of that involved sitting still and being quiet.  I don't do that any more.  And Leah talked about how it is in these quiet moments of sitting still that are we are most able to sit, listen, and reflect on our lives.  It is often in those quiet moments when God speaks the loudest and tells us what we need to hear. 

Being quiet is so hard and awkward and not a skill that many have learned.  Even for me who is analytical and goes over everything in my head, sitting still and being quiet has been difficult to do.  In this day and age, there is always something vying for our attention.  Even when we are doing "nothing" or "reflecting" (as I am doing now) we are often listening to music or on the computer (both of which I am also doing now).  For many people, their quiet moments are right before they go to sleep where they think about their day, what happened at work, or are thinking through everything they have to do the next day.  To stop, sit still, be quiet, and empty your mind is hard.  So are people just too busy and don't know how to sit still and have a moment of quiet reflection?  I think that is part of it.  I think the other part of it is fear.  We are afraid to be alone with ourselves, see the things we don't like, and confront the deep parts within.  Maybe people don't want to change or are afraid of what they will see or hear or learn about themselves.  Maybe we are afraid to deal with those parts of us we don't like to acknowledge.

As a Christian, that is what our lives are supposed to be about.  Granted, my life has been really busy lately and that is my excuse for not taking the time to reflect.  But the part about being afraid and not wanting to see those things about myself is also true.  I don't want to listen to what God has to tell me and confront the things in my life no one likes or even knows about.  I don't want my heart to be broken for others and I don't want to deal with sin in my life.  Things are comfortable and I don't want anything rocking the boat.  I remember how open I was back in 2004 and how excited I was about that period in my life.  Sure, my life was different then but there was also more joy in my life regardless of the circumstances.

My "aha!" moment with TV and actually realizing how it effects me was a nice insight that has made me want to change.  From our conversations last night and my reflections over the last few days, I am even more convinced that I am an old soul trapped in a 30 something year old body living in a postmodern world where many of the things don't fit my tastes and style.  Being a parent now has given me a different perspective and has motivated me to be a better person for my son.  Things that were important aren't as important any more.  And Leah's words have challenged me.  And scared me. 

I wanted to write this to acknowledge this moment.  Honestly, I am very apathetic towards God now and could probably remain that way for quite a while.  There are many reasons why that is.  I know it is these little moments of reflections, insight, conversations, experiences that are God's way of speaking to me.  I honestly don't know what I will do with this.  If this were a half hour TV show, my lesson would be learned, I would be on the right track to quiet reflection and reading and praying, and the moral lesson will have been learned.  However, this is real life.  And I may become busy with work, school, family, and get back in the rut and routine of my ways.  However, there is always that driving force to live the values I believe and be the best father I can.  There is that constant feeling of unfulfillment that has lingered for so long without ever being able to get to the bottom of it or find the solution to it.  However, this "quiet reflection among friends" is on my mind and heart.

An update - it's been a while!

Yeah, it's been forever since I have written on here.  Not that many people read my blog much.  Again, the whole idea of this was for me.  Ironically, I rarely go back and read what I wrote.  However, it's nice to have processed stuff that I can reflect on whenever a contemplative mood strikes.

So an update.  Well first things first, I am very much a slacker as it comes to my blog and facebook about posting pictures of Landon.  Kristen has done a good job of that but I haven't.  Anyways, Landon is over 16 pounds now and is over 27 inches long.  At his month appointment, his weight put him in the 68th percentile and his height/length put him in the 97th percentile!  He is healthy and growing and is now a fun age.  I really do wish that he would sleep better though.  He doesn't want to follow up a schedule AT ALL!!  Poor Kristen!  He is doing the fun stuff now like rolling over, chewing on everything, drooling, talking to himself, etc.  Ok, not all of that is fun but it's shows that he is growing.

Speaking of Kristen, she has now quit her job and is at home through the rest of year.  We will see what happens next year as she may do some part time work.  It makes things a little tighter now and my anal retentive budgeting is even more of a necessity now as I track every penny we spend.  It's a mixed blessing with her at home.  We both love the fact that he is not in daycare 40+ hours a week and Landon gets quality time with his mom but I know Kristen misses her job some as well.  We really don't know what next year holds but I do feel this is the right decision for Landon and our family.  Even in California, it is possible to make it on one income and make the family decisions that work best for us.

Work has been getting busier as well.  However, it's work.  I have a new project I am involved in but I don't want to even bore myself writing about the details of work.  What is really taking so much of my time is school.  Since the end of August, I have been taking a class on algorithm and problem solving (an introduction to computer programming) and now am taking another 8 week class on Access 97.  My goal is to get an associates degree in computer science and a possible certificate in database management.  The algorithm class is a LOT of work - quizzes, labs, in class activities, a lot of reading, and homework PROJECTS!!  These projects consists of writing a program in pseudocode (informal programming language), doing structure and program flowcharts, and then writing the actual program in visual basic.  It's been a lot of fun and a rewarding class to be able to write a program that works.  Not to mention, I have a high A average now.  With all this going on, my time is so limited.  40 hours of work, time with family, class on Wednesdays, and lots of reading, homework, and projects in my free time. 

Other than that, just looking forward to holidays and time with family.  It will be the first chance for either of our families to see Landon.  With all this going on, I still have emotional stuff and deep down things going on to talk about and deal with.  I just don't have the time or energy right now.  To enclose, I will include a couple of pics of Landon and how grown up he is now.

 

A simple tax program to know if you owe or are getting a refund?

OK, so I can be a bit nerdy sometimes.  In figuring out how much Kristen not working is going to affect us, I wanted to know how much money I can bring home.  So I looked at our total wages, looked at how much federal tax we have paid, and went through a simple tax calculation to figure out whether we will owe money or get a refund.  Since we would get a refund, I upped my allowances (Please note - there are IRS rules which help you determine the number of allowances you can take) so that I will bring home the max amount of money each check without having to pay taxes or getting a refund.  Wirh Kristen not working, I wanted to make sure that I was bringing home as much money as I can without paying taxes for next year.

Being the analytical geek I am, I played around with the numbers using my 2007 tax return as a guide on how to figure this out.  Then I applied my knowledge that I am learning in school right now and wrote a simple program for anyone to be able to put in wages, taxes, their filing status (single or married filing jointly), number of exemptions (self, spouse, and number of kids), and estimated or actual deductions.  As a result of this simple program, you will be told how much your tax bill will be for next year (based on 2008 federal tax tables) and whether you owe money or will receive a refund.

Now, there is some work to be done on your part but here is a simple way to do this. 

1. Wages - enter your taxable wages listed on your pay stub.  If you want to know what it will be for the year, mutiply your taxable wages for each check and multiply that by the number of pay periods left in the year.
2. Other income - look online to see how much interest you received this year from savings or from CDs.  Or better yet, just use a number similar to what you used on last year's return for an estimate.  (NOTE - this Other income is for interest only.  It does not include more complicated transactions for rental income, capital gains, etc.)
3. Federal taxes - look again on your pay stub to see what you have paid year to date.  Look at how much federal tax was taken out on your pay check and multiply that out by the number of pay periods left in the year.  Add that to your year to date total and you have your total taxes.
4. Deductions - This might be the tough one.  Enter 1 if you want to itemize and 2 for the standard deductions.  If you itemize, you will need to enter your total on another line.  You will need to add everything that you donated or gave to charitable organizations and any interest on your house.  There are also many other deductions out there as well.  Easy way to get a rough estimate is to use the number for last year's return.  If you don't itemize, it will calculate the standard deduction for you.
5. Filing Status - Enter 1 if single and 2 if married filing jointly
6. Exemptions - the total number of people in your house including self, spouse, and kids that you gave life to or legally adopted.

Then you will have your tax and whether you owe or will receive a refund.  Here's an example of what it looks like:

    

Sof if you want to try it out, here is a link for the program.  I would be interested in any feedback on this and hope it is helpful.  I must note that you may need to download a an application from Microsoft (I PROMISE THERE ARE NO VIRUSES AS THIS IS DIRECTLY FROM MISCROSOFT - http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?familyid=0856EACB-4362-4B0D-8EDD-AAB15C5E04F5&displaylang=en )

So try out the tax program and let me know what you think (I promise this is a safe program.  You can run the program from here without having to download)!

Download Taxes.exe (17.5K)

***DISCLAIMER - THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE AN ACTUAL CALCULATION OF YOUR TAXES.  THIS IS ONLY USED FOR ESTIMATION PURPOSES!***

To work or not to work?

That's been the question we have been asking for weeks.  It's a question finances, priorities, and logistics.  Full time, part time, or no work at all?  What do we do with Landon?  Can we afford daycare?  How many days?  What is the point of Kristen going back to work?

I have always railed against a society which lives in debt, has an insatiable appetite for materialism, and has forgotten what is important.  I think our economy reflects a society which bought more than it could afford and thinks the American dream will make people happy.  In reality, the American dream is just a prison but most people don't know they are trapped because everything around them is decorated so nicely.  Most of people in this country have debt and many don't know how to live on a budget.  Yet we are shocked and surprised when legislators, who can't manage their own finances, can't balance a budget and can't keep the country from going into debt. 

Most of that should be the subject of another post altogether.  However, it is my thoughts on these things that have been weighing on my mind as we have been thinking about this decision.  When both of us were working and had more than enough, it's easy to believe what I did.  Now the idea of only one of us working challenges everything I have believed. 

So more money would be nice, especially with a new kid.  However, I HATED the thought of a daycare raising my child and seeing him more than his parents did.  I know everyone doesn't feel that way and that is fine.  To each his own.  I don't think Landon is ready for daycare.  Nor do I think we are.  He isn't on a set schedule yet, still has trouble with a bottle, daycare is really expensive, and finances still need to be worked out for all of this.

So the decision has been made.  Kristen has quit her job.  She still has to work her last 2 weeks and we are frantically trying to figure out what to do with him for those two weeks.  We can't put him in daycare because we are locked in for the whole year.  So now we need to scramble to find someone to take care of him.  But for the rest of this year at least, Kristen is not going to be working.  At the start of next year, she will look for something part time just a couple of days a week if things work out.  For now, we will work out the finances and deal with things being a little tighter now. 

It's the right decision for us.  It's the right decision for Landon.  And I even look forward to things being a little tighter and actually living out what I believe.

Vacation in Tahoe

Here are a few pics of our vacation in Tahoe.  It was just a getaway for a week to relax and show Landon a different part of the world.  I included a few pics below and the rest you can view by following the link.

           

Tahoe pics