Alexithymia Antithesis

Quiet reflection...among friends

It's been a very busy last couple of weeks with end of the semester, travel, and time with family.  It's something that's common to many of us.  We are always busy and it is getting harder and harder to slow down.  The holidays make things even more hectic - time with family, traveling, shopping, parties, vacations, etc. 

After a hectic day of traveling back to California on Christmas Day, things were just as busy for us as the next day was a busy, stressful one.  We had the pleasure of hosting our friend Leah, who was visiting from Spain, and some friends for a time of food and fellowship.  It was so much fun hanging out and talking.  And the conversation was all over the place - religion, teaching, fishing, tv, movies, family, culture, Spain, politics, and many other topics that came and went over the course of a few hours.  It was the best, authentic fellowship that I have had in a long time.  All of us have different backgrounds, families, experiences, views, etc.  Yet we are bonded together in unique ways.  In our similarities and differences we challenge and learn from each other.

There was much that I shared.  And there were plenty of times that I just listened and learned.  I wanted to listen to stories from those who had already been parents.  I needed to sit and listen to those who were struggling to grow and serve God.  Honestly, I have lost that.  However, I have had the chance to reflect on some things lately.  I have realized how much watching TV effects me and how it is a big waste of time in most cases.  I see how I act when I am focused on TV and then I see how much more relaxed and full of joy when the TV is off.  I realize that being with my son or talking to my wife gives me fulfillment that I don't find when I am "relaxing."  I have had my eyes opened to how much my family watched TV growing up and how that has affected our ability to communicate with each other to this day.  And now my attitude on that has completely changed and now it completely turns me off to have the TV on when I am with my family in SC.  And now with Landon, that becomes so much more important because everything I do becomes a model for him.

While these moments of revelation have made me stop and think, Leah touched upon something that has been lacking in my life - quiet reflection.  There was a period back in 2004 when I didn't turn the TV on for 40 days.  I learned to find other things to do and part of that involved sitting still and being quiet.  I don't do that any more.  And Leah talked about how it is in these quiet moments of sitting still that are we are most able to sit, listen, and reflect on our lives.  It is often in those quiet moments when God speaks the loudest and tells us what we need to hear. 

Being quiet is so hard and awkward and not a skill that many have learned.  Even for me who is analytical and goes over everything in my head, sitting still and being quiet has been difficult to do.  In this day and age, there is always something vying for our attention.  Even when we are doing "nothing" or "reflecting" (as I am doing now) we are often listening to music or on the computer (both of which I am also doing now).  For many people, their quiet moments are right before they go to sleep where they think about their day, what happened at work, or are thinking through everything they have to do the next day.  To stop, sit still, be quiet, and empty your mind is hard.  So are people just too busy and don't know how to sit still and have a moment of quiet reflection?  I think that is part of it.  I think the other part of it is fear.  We are afraid to be alone with ourselves, see the things we don't like, and confront the deep parts within.  Maybe people don't want to change or are afraid of what they will see or hear or learn about themselves.  Maybe we are afraid to deal with those parts of us we don't like to acknowledge.

As a Christian, that is what our lives are supposed to be about.  Granted, my life has been really busy lately and that is my excuse for not taking the time to reflect.  But the part about being afraid and not wanting to see those things about myself is also true.  I don't want to listen to what God has to tell me and confront the things in my life no one likes or even knows about.  I don't want my heart to be broken for others and I don't want to deal with sin in my life.  Things are comfortable and I don't want anything rocking the boat.  I remember how open I was back in 2004 and how excited I was about that period in my life.  Sure, my life was different then but there was also more joy in my life regardless of the circumstances.

My "aha!" moment with TV and actually realizing how it effects me was a nice insight that has made me want to change.  From our conversations last night and my reflections over the last few days, I am even more convinced that I am an old soul trapped in a 30 something year old body living in a postmodern world where many of the things don't fit my tastes and style.  Being a parent now has given me a different perspective and has motivated me to be a better person for my son.  Things that were important aren't as important any more.  And Leah's words have challenged me.  And scared me. 

I wanted to write this to acknowledge this moment.  Honestly, I am very apathetic towards God now and could probably remain that way for quite a while.  There are many reasons why that is.  I know it is these little moments of reflections, insight, conversations, experiences that are God's way of speaking to me.  I honestly don't know what I will do with this.  If this were a half hour TV show, my lesson would be learned, I would be on the right track to quiet reflection and reading and praying, and the moral lesson will have been learned.  However, this is real life.  And I may become busy with work, school, family, and get back in the rut and routine of my ways.  However, there is always that driving force to live the values I believe and be the best father I can.  There is that constant feeling of unfulfillment that has lingered for so long without ever being able to get to the bottom of it or find the solution to it.  However, this "quiet reflection among friends" is on my mind and heart.

An update - it's been a while!

Yeah, it's been forever since I have written on here.  Not that many people read my blog much.  Again, the whole idea of this was for me.  Ironically, I rarely go back and read what I wrote.  However, it's nice to have processed stuff that I can reflect on whenever a contemplative mood strikes.

So an update.  Well first things first, I am very much a slacker as it comes to my blog and facebook about posting pictures of Landon.  Kristen has done a good job of that but I haven't.  Anyways, Landon is over 16 pounds now and is over 27 inches long.  At his month appointment, his weight put him in the 68th percentile and his height/length put him in the 97th percentile!  He is healthy and growing and is now a fun age.  I really do wish that he would sleep better though.  He doesn't want to follow up a schedule AT ALL!!  Poor Kristen!  He is doing the fun stuff now like rolling over, chewing on everything, drooling, talking to himself, etc.  Ok, not all of that is fun but it's shows that he is growing.

Speaking of Kristen, she has now quit her job and is at home through the rest of year.  We will see what happens next year as she may do some part time work.  It makes things a little tighter now and my anal retentive budgeting is even more of a necessity now as I track every penny we spend.  It's a mixed blessing with her at home.  We both love the fact that he is not in daycare 40+ hours a week and Landon gets quality time with his mom but I know Kristen misses her job some as well.  We really don't know what next year holds but I do feel this is the right decision for Landon and our family.  Even in California, it is possible to make it on one income and make the family decisions that work best for us.

Work has been getting busier as well.  However, it's work.  I have a new project I am involved in but I don't want to even bore myself writing about the details of work.  What is really taking so much of my time is school.  Since the end of August, I have been taking a class on algorithm and problem solving (an introduction to computer programming) and now am taking another 8 week class on Access 97.  My goal is to get an associates degree in computer science and a possible certificate in database management.  The algorithm class is a LOT of work - quizzes, labs, in class activities, a lot of reading, and homework PROJECTS!!  These projects consists of writing a program in pseudocode (informal programming language), doing structure and program flowcharts, and then writing the actual program in visual basic.  It's been a lot of fun and a rewarding class to be able to write a program that works.  Not to mention, I have a high A average now.  With all this going on, my time is so limited.  40 hours of work, time with family, class on Wednesdays, and lots of reading, homework, and projects in my free time. 

Other than that, just looking forward to holidays and time with family.  It will be the first chance for either of our families to see Landon.  With all this going on, I still have emotional stuff and deep down things going on to talk about and deal with.  I just don't have the time or energy right now.  To enclose, I will include a couple of pics of Landon and how grown up he is now.

 

A simple tax program to know if you owe or are getting a refund?

OK, so I can be a bit nerdy sometimes.  In figuring out how much Kristen not working is going to affect us, I wanted to know how much money I can bring home.  So I looked at our total wages, looked at how much federal tax we have paid, and went through a simple tax calculation to figure out whether we will owe money or get a refund.  Since we would get a refund, I upped my allowances (Please note - there are IRS rules which help you determine the number of allowances you can take) so that I will bring home the max amount of money each check without having to pay taxes or getting a refund.  Wirh Kristen not working, I wanted to make sure that I was bringing home as much money as I can without paying taxes for next year.

Being the analytical geek I am, I played around with the numbers using my 2007 tax return as a guide on how to figure this out.  Then I applied my knowledge that I am learning in school right now and wrote a simple program for anyone to be able to put in wages, taxes, their filing status (single or married filing jointly), number of exemptions (self, spouse, and number of kids), and estimated or actual deductions.  As a result of this simple program, you will be told how much your tax bill will be for next year (based on 2008 federal tax tables) and whether you owe money or will receive a refund.

Now, there is some work to be done on your part but here is a simple way to do this. 

1. Wages - enter your taxable wages listed on your pay stub.  If you want to know what it will be for the year, mutiply your taxable wages for each check and multiply that by the number of pay periods left in the year.
2. Other income - look online to see how much interest you received this year from savings or from CDs.  Or better yet, just use a number similar to what you used on last year's return for an estimate.  (NOTE - this Other income is for interest only.  It does not include more complicated transactions for rental income, capital gains, etc.)
3. Federal taxes - look again on your pay stub to see what you have paid year to date.  Look at how much federal tax was taken out on your pay check and multiply that out by the number of pay periods left in the year.  Add that to your year to date total and you have your total taxes.
4. Deductions - This might be the tough one.  Enter 1 if you want to itemize and 2 for the standard deductions.  If you itemize, you will need to enter your total on another line.  You will need to add everything that you donated or gave to charitable organizations and any interest on your house.  There are also many other deductions out there as well.  Easy way to get a rough estimate is to use the number for last year's return.  If you don't itemize, it will calculate the standard deduction for you.
5. Filing Status - Enter 1 if single and 2 if married filing jointly
6. Exemptions - the total number of people in your house including self, spouse, and kids that you gave life to or legally adopted.

Then you will have your tax and whether you owe or will receive a refund.  Here's an example of what it looks like:

    

Sof if you want to try it out, here is a link for the program.  I would be interested in any feedback on this and hope it is helpful.  I must note that you may need to download a an application from Microsoft (I PROMISE THERE ARE NO VIRUSES AS THIS IS DIRECTLY FROM MISCROSOFT - http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?familyid=0856EACB-4362-4B0D-8EDD-AAB15C5E04F5&displaylang=en )

So try out the tax program and let me know what you think (I promise this is a safe program.  You can run the program from here without having to download)!

Download Taxes.exe (17.5K)

***DISCLAIMER - THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE AN ACTUAL CALCULATION OF YOUR TAXES.  THIS IS ONLY USED FOR ESTIMATION PURPOSES!***

To work or not to work?

That's been the question we have been asking for weeks.  It's a question finances, priorities, and logistics.  Full time, part time, or no work at all?  What do we do with Landon?  Can we afford daycare?  How many days?  What is the point of Kristen going back to work?

I have always railed against a society which lives in debt, has an insatiable appetite for materialism, and has forgotten what is important.  I think our economy reflects a society which bought more than it could afford and thinks the American dream will make people happy.  In reality, the American dream is just a prison but most people don't know they are trapped because everything around them is decorated so nicely.  Most of people in this country have debt and many don't know how to live on a budget.  Yet we are shocked and surprised when legislators, who can't manage their own finances, can't balance a budget and can't keep the country from going into debt. 

Most of that should be the subject of another post altogether.  However, it is my thoughts on these things that have been weighing on my mind as we have been thinking about this decision.  When both of us were working and had more than enough, it's easy to believe what I did.  Now the idea of only one of us working challenges everything I have believed. 

So more money would be nice, especially with a new kid.  However, I HATED the thought of a daycare raising my child and seeing him more than his parents did.  I know everyone doesn't feel that way and that is fine.  To each his own.  I don't think Landon is ready for daycare.  Nor do I think we are.  He isn't on a set schedule yet, still has trouble with a bottle, daycare is really expensive, and finances still need to be worked out for all of this.

So the decision has been made.  Kristen has quit her job.  She still has to work her last 2 weeks and we are frantically trying to figure out what to do with him for those two weeks.  We can't put him in daycare because we are locked in for the whole year.  So now we need to scramble to find someone to take care of him.  But for the rest of this year at least, Kristen is not going to be working.  At the start of next year, she will look for something part time just a couple of days a week if things work out.  For now, we will work out the finances and deal with things being a little tighter now. 

It's the right decision for us.  It's the right decision for Landon.  And I even look forward to things being a little tighter and actually living out what I believe.

Vacation in Tahoe

Here are a few pics of our vacation in Tahoe.  It was just a getaway for a week to relax and show Landon a different part of the world.  I included a few pics below and the rest you can view by following the link.

           

Tahoe pics

A husband's thoughts on being a dad

With school, work, Landon, and Gamecock football, things have been busy lately.  However, I start a 2 week vacation today so I wanted to take the time to reflect on what life is like right now.

This may come as a surprise but men and women are different.  And so is our perspective when it comes to having a baby around.  To be fair, these are just my thoughts and feelings on this as one guy and so I am not an expert on this from a man's or woman's perspective. 

This has been a big adjustment.  Not a bad one but there has been some gained and some lost in this transition to having Landon around.  And I think the biggest adjustment is for the husband (stay with me here and don't get mad!).  For women, this is a HUGE change!  And for many, it is a difficult one.  Every second of each waking moment is so focused on a new child that you may forget how things used to be.  There is NO WAY I could have the energy, patience, or effort to be a mom.  That is so beyond what I could handle.  So I am not trying to minimize the stress of having a baby or saying it is not an adjustment or difficult at all.  However, it seems like moms take one minute at a time and don't look much beyond that.  Moms may not take the time to remember how things were because they are only focused on the here and now.  I may be wrong and probably am but just saying all this as a lead in as to how I have transitioned and see things.

For me as a dad, it is different.  I don't have the same bond/connection with Landon that Kristen does.  And I don't spend nearly as much time with him as she does.  After being off for a month, life went back to a normal schedule as I went back to work.  Yet, things aren't normal.  I don't get to connect with Kristen like I used to as I was used to getting all of her attention.  Because I am not giving as much to Landon and I am back at work, I tend to notice the changes a little bit more because I am not as caught up in the here and now and just getting through each day.  I notice there is a difference and feel the effects of it.  Kristen and Landon are connecting with each other and I have to try and make those connections with each of them.  The attention I used to get I now have to fight for so I notice the impact on my marriage and family.  Back to work, missing out on connection and intimacy, looking for ways to bond with a son, and feeling like I don't have the connection they do. 

So is this a bigger adjustment for me than it is Kristen?  I am not stupid enough to say that it is.  I will say that the adjustment may be more noticeable to me.  She gives a lot to him and less to me and I notice it.  And that's probably the hardest part.  She still does so much with cooking and things around the house and taking care of him that I am amazed she is able to accomplish all that she does.  However, I miss her and sometimes I seem like I am the odd one out.

Don't take this as a downer because it isn't.  I don't regret being a dad.  I love Landon and want to spend quality time with him every day.  I am sure my spending time with him comes as a sacrifice to time I could spend with Kristen.  So being a dad is new, rewarding, and fun.  And there will be so many joys and experiences I would have never been able to experience without him and wouldn't trade for the world.  And I know that going to school right now and working means Kristen is making HUGE sacrifices on her part to take care of Landon and everything at home.  However, I miss my wife.  And that's a good thing.

I had someone tell me this week that once you have a child, you end up raising two kids - the child and the husband.  You never realize how needy your husband can be until you have someone to take his place (in terms of time and effort).  I hope we get a chance to connect some this week as we will be heading to Tahoe for a few days.

So there are my thoughts.  For moms out there, don't beat me up for this.  After all, it's not a bad thing to miss your wife when falling in love with a child at the same time.

It's time for the GAMECOCKS!!!!!!!

Man, I have been waiting on this day for months!!!!!  It is time to play some football and this is the most excited I have been about USC since 2001!  I can't wait to get started and I think we will surprise some people.  My prediction for this year is 8-4, and that is a conservative.  I would be disappointed with anything less.  It all starts tonight 8 pm ET/5 pm PT against NC State live on ESPN!!!  To say that I am excited about tonight and this season is an understatement.  Landon and I are both ready!!!!

       

 

Just another day

Same as most other days.  Sure, we did take Landon for his two month check up and to get his shots.  However, I still got up, got ready, went to work, went through my same old usual routine.  Spent some time on line looking at stuff.  Played with Landon, ate dinner late, and took Chase for a walk.  Other than the "played with Landon" part, that has pretty much been my life for the past few years.

There were a couple of different things today.  Landon going to the doctor was one of them.  I did run some errands at lunch today.  Been really into investments and retirement planning lately so did some of that today.  At Wal Mart, I had to pick up a few things today and it was really crowded.  People were in the way when I was looking for stuff.  One lady even stopped in the middle of a narrow aisle in the middle of the store so she could text, ignoring the people stuck behind her.  I just wanted to get my stuff and get out of there.  While trying to find everything I needed, I saw a few elderly people shopping.  And as soon as I saw them, my attitude changed, even if just for a moment.  My heart is always softened by and drawn to elderly people (as long as they are not 'crotchety').  There is a maturity, wisdom, and sense of innocence that I am just drawn to.

I have always thought I am a bit of an old soul.  I am 33, work in IT, know my way around technology.  Yet I am turned off by the overuse of cell phones, iPods, video games, and all the other gadgets and gizmo's.  I even have all those things but don't spend a lot of time using any of them.  I prefer life the way it used to be with the values that mattered.  I want my kids to grow up like I did growing up in the 80s.  I want them to respect their elders, play outside for fun, and make family and our time together their main source of entertainment.  I am turned off by most of the stuff I see on TV and will have no problem given up watching a lot of it as Landon gets older.  I love stories about relationships and fun adventures.  I guess it is these things that I seem to have in common with the elderly that makes me drawn to them.  They seem to fit more of my old fashioned soul.

I called a sports radio show today in Columbia, SC.  For those of you that are familiar with it, it was 107.5 The Game.  They were broadcasting live from a business owned by a couple of my friends from college.  So I called in to say hello to them and threw in a question on the upcoming football season for discussion.  Call it my attempt to reach back into my past.  I miss that part of it.  I miss the things I did, the friends I had, the things I was involved in, and the person I was.  I have been getting back in touch with people from my past lately.  And it brings me back to those places in my life when I knew them.

I took Chase for a walk and left Kristen and Landon at home tonight since Landon was a little fussy.  Today was Chase's birthday so I had to reward him and let him have some fun.  While taking Chase for a walk, I was listening to my iPod (walks and airplanes are about the only time I ever listen to it) and just thinking about my life.  The song "It's the Only One You've Got" by 3 Doors Down came on and it's one of my favorite songs.  I can never help but be moved when I listed to it.  The lyrics are awesome but it talks about the past, the scars, the mistakes, being afraid to live life, and just the encouragement to live life like it's the only one we've got.  The lyrics are so powerful and out of the many, many times I have listened to it, I am almost always moved to tears when I hear it.  It's my encouragement to live life despite my past, my fears, and living it like I know there is more to life than this.  I also heard "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2.  If you have never really listened to the last verse of this song, here they are:

"You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame.  You know I believe it..but I still haven't found, what I'm looking for."

Those two songs sum up my life really.  Broken past, fears, afraid to live my life, a faith in Jesus, yet still don't know what I am looking for.  All of this started with a trip to Wal Mart, a call in to a radio station, and a walk with the dog.

I have a family now, a wife that I love (but probably not enough) and a son that I adore. I have a job that I could do for many years but never really be content doing it.  I have regrets about the person I have lost despite how much I have grown.  My soul sometimes feels empty, wanting to live for more than just this life I have.  I want to show my son what matters and show him what real life is.  Yet I hide behind my walls of maybe and never's, not knowing how to live this life like it's the only one I've got as I still haven't found what I am looking for. 

Today, like all other days, was just another day.  And that's the problem.

Two months old

Today Landon is two months old.  Time has gone by both quickly and slowly.  It's hard to believe how much he has changed in two months yet his birth seems so long ago.  I have to admire Kristen.  She takes great care of Landon, is so patient, gets up night after night to feed him, and even finds time to make dinner and do things around the house.  At times, she is really tired and sometimes grumpy but she is so much better at this than I would have been. 

It's been a fun couple of months as reality has set in.  And it's not bad at all!  He is not really a fussy baby and is really good.  From the measurements I have done, he is almost 24 inches and about 12 1/2 pounds.  And aside from a cold that has seemed to linger with him, he is as healthy as can be.  And after some of the scares we have been through (although nothing major), it is a blessing to have him as healthy and happy as he is.

Tomorrow is his two month appointment and I don't look forward to that at all.  He gets his shots tomorrow and will be tired, sore, and maybe a little under the weather.  Hopefully, he does well and all goes well tomorrow.  Today is just a reminder to say 'thanks' to God for a healthy and relatively happy 2 month old baby.

We have A LOT of pictures of Landon so I will try and work on getting those posted.

Negativity, a Lighthouse, Refreshment, Message Board, and Reflections

Yeah, it's a weird title for a post.  However, each one of those is part of a bigger message that is speaking to places deep inside of me.  It started with a blog I read (one of my links on here), continued with a sermon at church, carried into my free time on a message board, and then came together as I reflected on these things and my life.  Honestly, that's how God seems to work a lot of times.  Sometimes it is a tragic event or a crisis that gets our attention and moves us in a different direction.  However, we often are touched by a series of little things that speak softly to our hearts that get us to stop, listen, and reflect.  It's not the storms but the whispers that often speak the loudest.

http://modesty.blogspot.com/search/label/life%27s%20a%20sinking%20ship.

So that blog post is where it started.  Stephen starts off talking about noticing all the negativity around him - a disagreement, a friend almost dying, cursing and filth around him, and a rainy day.  In effect, the negativity was all around him and he was beginning to respond to it.  It made him want to be different.  He wanted to be a lighthouse to the world around him so that even if the world and its negativity was dragging people down, he could help be the light to give people hope.  Negative thoughts and focusing on all that is wrong with the world can destroy but he refuses to live his life that way.

That's a great attitude to have.  Unfortunately, that's not me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not that positive, bubbly person who always has an optimistic view on life.  I like to say that I am realistic.  Truthfully, I can fall prey to negative thinking patterns and have a pessimistic view of the world.  I am not a miserable person by any means.  However, I am much more affected by my pessimistic thinking and the negativity in the world rather than being a catalyst for change by being a light.  I know part of that is personality, some of it is due to bad habits, and some of it happens as a result of not drawing closer to God.  A really good verse that speaks of what we are to be and focus on is Philippians 4:8 which says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

On Sunday, Jesse gave a sermon on Philemon.  One of the points of the message was about refreshing others as a follower of Christ.  There was more to the message than just that but that's what kind of fit with the series of small little things that were speaking to my heart. 

Besides the "realistic" perspective on life, I am also very logical in my views and arguments on life.  There is a sensitive side to me that my wife, son, and those that are close to me do see.  However, that part of me is guarded.  However, I got another message from an unexpected source that tied into these series of little things.

I am a huge Gamecock fan and spend free time talking about our sports teams and other issues on a Gamecock message board.  I am logical and factual in my arguments.  I admit I find satisfaction in winning arguments and posting facts that make others look bad and show that they are wrong.  I like having the last word.  And this week, I got beat up a little bit for my negativity.  I normally don't see myself as being that way but I was called out for my arrogance, pride, and how I come across.  People didn't like it and didn't like me.  And quite honestly, I can be quite critical and negative despite being logical, factual, and objective.  It bothered me.  First of all, it hurt my feelings a little.  I am more sensitive than people realize.  However, in light of the sermon on Sunday and the post on negativity, this bothered me because it was more evidence of how negative I can be and how I am not very refreshing to others or much of a lighthouse.   

And after I reflected on all of this, I realized that this was a message being sent to me from many different directions.  All week I have been drawn to spend more time reading the bible.  I feel like this is a message to connect more with God.  It feels like a call to change my life and to quiet it.  Get away from the TV and the noise.  And quiet myself.  I need to change.  Things need to change.  It's something I need for my soul and my spirit.  It's not something I can do to change these things but something that needs to be done within me.

I don't know the result or what is going to happen next or what I should do, if anything, to help make this change happen.  However, the message is clear.  I need change and I need to quiet myself to do that.  I've been more negative than I realize and I think all the messages over the last week have shown me that this isn't good for my soul and it's not the way I am supposed to be.